O is for One Night Stands
I am not ashamed to say that I have had one nights stands.
None of them are ever planned, they’re spontaneous, an urge, fun. Just a moment where you don’t think about anything else, just yourselves.
The first one was with a friend of a friend, he was after me for ages, made me feel wanted, and when I was most upset, he took advantage of that.
When alcohol is involved, it’s a different matter. Everyone has a different reason for one night stands. For me, it’s the thrill of knowing that I can just smile at a hot guy in a club and know that I’ll be going home with him. It was confidence building, that moment of being wanted and being taken. It wasn’t even just taking what was offered like being picked last for a team, it was who I wanted.
Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. I’m not saying they’re all great, you have to be careful. One guy I went back with was doing coke. I declined.
But like coke, one night stands are addictive. The adrenaline, thrill.
My family of course, don’t approve. My mum has never had a one night stand, so I don’t think she’s in a position to judge, her comments ‘just don’t go sleeping with half of London to find ‘the one”
You might think I’m easy, but it’s quite empowering. If the men can do it, why can’t I?
Stubborn
I’ve been tweeting more than blogging recently, you can follow me @dirtylittlew 
I was breaking and wanting to talk to mr mm. He was getting to me.
I hadn’t gone this far to break, I needed to get the messages to stop. I could have spoke to his wife, ruined his business and caused him a costly divorce. Instead, I went to the police. It seems harsh, but really was the kindest answer. They took it very seriously, 130 messages in an hour, over 300 a day continuously for 3 weeks, card, letters, emailing my mother.
They thought he was a serious threat to my health, so he was arrested. This was to make him understand what he was doing was unacceptable.
He was given a harassment warning. If he contacts me directly or indirectly through my friends/family he will be arrested again.
I can’t say it worked, he then turned to tweeting. Saying horrible things about me but without including my twitter id I can’t report it.
I couldn’t cope and had suicidal thoughts. Back to the doctors to increase my medication.
Today I’m not going to read his tweets. Why am I giving him the power back? I need to get rid of him for good. Stop thinking about him.
It’s a lot easier said than done, but I’m going to try.
I may have been weak, but he forgot just how bloody stubborn I am!
Silent Sunday
N is for Naughty
N is for Naughty
Come on, admit it. You all like to be a bit naughty. Yes even you. Don’t deny it.
But how do you know if someone’s naughty or nice?
It’s all a con. Everyone’s naughty. Especially the nice ones.
Why do you have to be naughty or nice? Why can’t you be nice and naughty? Or would that confuse Santa too much?
I think everyone is naughty in their own right. What is nice to someone is extremely naughty to another. It depends what end of the scale you are.
One woman’s sex, is just another’s foreplay.
So what would you say is the naughtiest thing you’ve done?
Honey
Hello.
I’m back. I need to be back.
Oh sorry to disappoint you, you thought you were rid of me right?
I’m trying to sort my life out now.
I’ve done a few changes in the last 2 weeks. The main ones being finishing mr married man and cutting communication, telling my family and friends about the depression, seeing my family two weeks in a row (normally only at Christmas) and speaking to my bosses about time off for counselling.
I also went to the hen party which I was adamant I wasn’t going to go to. But I think that needs a post of its own 
Now to get my social life back. Damn, whats a social life?
I’m going clubbing Friday night and have a date Saturday night. Remember when I got a little bit too drunk?It’s with that guy so I’m not going to get my hopes up here! I need to do something Sunday, or I’ll mope. I need to keep busy.
Other than that, I don’t know where to go from there. Any ideas?
Harassment
I broke up with him in a message and asked him not to contact me anymore as I will not be contacting him.
He started off mad which was fine. Then the messages and emails started the next day. First over a hundred in a day, next day 130 in just an hour. I blocked him. The texts and emails started more. Long emails. Photos of him. Photos of an engagement ring.
He said when he was ill he had been to put a deposit on an engagement ring. He could do that but couldn’t be there to actually support me when I needed it?
He emailed my mother about my depression as he was ‘worried’. He knew I wasn’t going to tell her yet, he knew she was some of the cause. He asked her not to tell he emailer her.
That started the secrets behind my back. I had told her, but if I hadn’t it would have all kicked off. It was such a horrible thing to do.
She asked him if he was married, she had googled his business and knew he was. He told her he was separating.
He wrote a card and a 13 chapter story of our ‘love story’. I’m yet to receive these.
He stopped messaging after a week. Said it was emotional abuse that I was ignoring him and not replying and that he couldn’t cope with it anymore.
On my side it’s harassment that I asked him to leave me alone and he sent hundreds of messages a day instead.
Two sides to every story
Until I Go
Words are racing
Through my mind
Swirling whirling
Trying to find
A blank paper
Canvas to paint
Feelings and wisdom
All too faint
Fear taking over
Breaking me down
Mind over body
Make no sound
A thousand thoughts
In my eyes
Seek the truth
Through the lies
I’m lost again
As you know
Count each day
Until I go
Single
There. I did it.
I told him I couldn’t cope with dating him anymore.
Of course, he started ranting again throwing insults in there and so on. I ignored it. I deleted his number. I deleted him on foursquare.
Single. All alone.
So you’d think after all these mistakes I’d have a good idea of what I was looking for. So here we go.
1. Single. you’d have thought I would have understood that before right?
2. No criminal record.
3. No children.
4. No dealing.
5. No lying.
6. Not living with parents.
7. Employment.
8. Great personality.
9. Supportive.
10. Attractive.
Do men like this exist?
Support
I know I’m a bit difficult to cope with at the moment, and some people don’t know how to react when I tell them.
I was hoping mr mm would be supportive and understanding.
I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks and was hoping to see him tomorrow. But he’s flipped.
‘You’re whiny, immature, self centred and not remotely the strong, independent or mature girl you made out you were in those first couple of months. Instead it’s constant crap from you as if I should be throwing everything down for you’
‘Making you cry now? You fucking deserve it after all your bullshit’
‘I’m simply saying “sod you, you nasty NASTY self centred bitch”‘
‘I realise now just how selfish and self centre you are. All about you you you. Everything’s twisted to be ‘poor Little Miss’ and nasty other people – be it your Mum, sister, me..whoever.
Look in the bloody mirror, reality check needed’
‘You told her I finished with you, end of story – violin strings for poor victim Little Miss please everybody’
This is about me telling my auntie that he broke up with me twice. Over reaction?
‘Attack me and don’t expect me to sit around being supportive’
I can’t cope with him right now. I have enough going on in my life without this as well.
I’ll find that independence I once had again
