I am ever so lucky to have had the talented Luke Stott to write another brilliant piece for me!
If you misssed his first post, you can find it here
Don’t forget to check out the links too, you need to check out the cheeky monkeys!
Did you know that a woman’s moan during sex is an evolutionary response designed to entice other males to have sex with her?
And it’s not just women who biology, like a desperate wingman prodding you and pointing at the fitty they know standing at the bar, tells us are a bit easy.
A Gorilla, a Chimpanzee, and Billy, a builder from Surrey, all go to the sexual health clinic. The doctor, having previously trained as a vet, is unperturbed by the Chimpanzee swinging from the lamp shade in the waiting room and the Gorilla munching the magazines. One by one the doctor, let’s call him Doolittle, begs his patients into the office for their physical exam starting with the Gorilla.
By a heavy coincidence Doolittle is fluent in Gorilla so is able to ask all the normal questions including; “oohh ohh oh oh ooh ohh ohh?” which roughly translates as, “How many sexual partners have you had?”
“One.” Says the huge Gorilla before producing a set of drums and banging out a solo of “In The Air Tonight”, “We’re getting married next month and we’re honeymooning in New York”
During this anecdote the doctor can’t help but notice that the Gorilla’s testicles are tiny, especially when you compare them to those of the Chimpanzee who comes in next.
The little chimp is extremely well endowed in the testicle department with two tennis balls swinging between his legs. The doctor asks the chimp about his magic number,
“What today?” says the chimp, a hint of cockney in his voice having spent time in the London zoo, a cup of tea in his hand. “Five but I’ve only just had breakfast. I guess I’m in the 100s. I’ve had more fine primate pussy than I’ve had PG Tips. Got to go I’m late for my job as a copywriter. Turrah!”
Finally Doolittle asks the builder from Surrey into his office and asks him to drop his trousers, mainly because he’s the only patient who actually bothered to get dressed that morning. “Can you tell me how many people you have had sexual intercourse with?” The doctor asks after cupping Billy’s balls.
“I’d say around 20 or so mate. The birds can’t get enough!”
Surprisingly Billy big bollocks’ testicular scale is roughly halfway between the Gorillas and the Chimpanzee. The doctor nods sagely to himself as he ponders what this means regarding human promiscuity.
You see Gorillas tend to have very few sexual partners so there’s very little sexual competition; they can afford to mate less often so only need small testicles to produce enough semen for the job. Chimpanzees on the other hand are very promiscuous and a male must take every available opportunity to impregnate a female; therefore he needs huge balls to create copious amounts of monkey spunk.
Billy the builder from Surrey is somewhere between. So whilst we’re not necessarily designed to all have the sexual libido of a rabbit on Viagra that subsists entirely on a diet of Oysters we’re probably not built to be totally monogamous our entire lives either. (Sorry Disney and the GOP!)
We’re sentient beings capable of choosing to ignore our biology in favour of higher level goals or aspirations; but should we bother?
Sex has a whole host of health benefits and is portrayed as the primary concern in our modern existence (well that and shouting at the contestants on The Apprentice that think purple eyeliner is a good idea – it isn’t; you look like you’ve given up sleep for lent whilst simultaneously dating Chris Brown).
I wonder though; might it be that our sexualised media is selling us what we really want but don’t care to admit to in public? Are we living out our sexual cravings through the purchasing of products laced with sexual imagery?
Are we still so repressed that you buy the shoes because you want to screw?
Well if you’re shoe collection is burgeoning on the obscene nature has one more lesson for you; listen to the panda.
Happy ‘Shoe’ shopping.
