Words are racing
Through my mind
Swirling whirling
Trying to find
A blank paper
Canvas to paint
Feelings and wisdom
All too faint
Fear taking over
Breaking me down
Mind over body
Make no sound
A thousand thoughts
In my eyes
Seek the truth
Through the lies
I’m lost again
As you know
Count each day
Until I go
I know I’m a bit difficult to cope with at the moment, and some people don’t know how to react when I tell them.
I was hoping mr mm would be supportive and understanding.
I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks and was hoping to see him tomorrow. But he’s flipped.
‘You’re whiny, immature, self centred and not remotely the strong, independent or mature girl you made out you were in those first couple of months. Instead it’s constant crap from you as if I should be throwing everything down for you’
‘Making you cry now? You fucking deserve it after all your bullshit’
‘I’m simply saying “sod you, you nasty NASTY self centred bitch”‘
‘I realise now just how selfish and self centre you are. All about you you you. Everything’s twisted to be ‘poor Little Miss’ and nasty other people – be it your Mum, sister, me..whoever.
Look in the bloody mirror, reality check needed’
‘You told her I finished with you, end of story – violin strings for poor victim Little Miss please everybody’
This is about me telling my auntie that he broke up with me twice. Over reaction?
‘Attack me and don’t expect me to sit around being supportive’
I can’t cope with him right now. I have enough going on in my life without this as well.
I’ll find that independence I once had again
Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, this depression things messed me up a bit. I swear I was better before going to the doctor!
I will finish my a-z challenge, I loved doing that! But in my own time. Part of this depression thing is losing interest in things you enjoy. I thought I’d managed to miss that symptom bit unfortunately my blogging took the hit.
I’m handing in my resignation on Monday. I’ve never done this before so I’m a bit scared!
This also leaves me homeless, as I live with my job.
That’s just ridiculous right? Giving up my income, and home just for NHS counselling.
Luckily my Auntie is taking me in, she has 3 kids already and her husband made redundant looking for work also.
I don’t know how we’re going to afford it.
I haven’t seen Mr MM in two weeks. Yesterday he told me he doesn’t want a baby with me or to live with me.
So yep, verge of breakdown here.
I don’t think screwed even begins to describe this. All because of some stupid disease.
Wish me luck!
I went to the Doctors today.
Okay, I had to go. I ran out of pills and as usual I left it til the last possible chance to get some more. .. and then had an hours wait! Another reason I hate the Doctors.
I had my bloodpressure check, he said I could have another perscription. There. Done Sorted. I wanted to run, but I didn’t.
I reached into my handbag and pulled out my spider diagram. Oh no wait, that’s not politically correct anymore is it. Thought cloud. I put it on the table. I want to talk about this too. I had wrote down all the things linked to my depression.
That was it, the tears were streaming down my face. I knew this would happen, that’s why I wrote it. I cry then can’t talk.
I’m not gonna bore you with the details, we had a chat and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I wanted drugs. He said I need counselling and the only way I can get that is if I leave my job and that is something I really need to think about. Whether I want to get better.
I got the drugs.
It’s not easy to leave my job, I live here. It’s all I have in London. I have no where else to go.
Apart from Mr MM.
Maybe I’ll look like this lady soon
I know, you’re busy
With her by your side
No thoughts of me
Kills me inside
I want you here
Selfish, I know
You’re hers for now
She is my foe
Holding in the tears
As you mention her name
I know, it’s your life
Hurts all the same
I need you with me
You say you will go
Can’t do this much longer
You love me, I know
My friends
If you could see me now
You would not know
Not recognise me
From long ago
Bags under my eyes
Not from a great night out
Tossing and turning
The waking in the dreams
Tears roll down my cheek
From untold pains
Not the laughter you know me for
Til I can’t hold them in
The innuendos I once whispered
Into your ears cheekily
They are no more
Whispers of self doubt
The echoing giggles
Now only in my mind
Laughing at failure
Not joyous times
Friends, if you could see
What has happened
The truth behind
The broken smiles
Would you still be here for me?
How do I explain to someone about how I’m feeling?
Well, I can say what I feel. But I can’t explain why. I can’t help feeling this way.
If I say what’s on my mind. They get mad. I said I know what I think is me being silly, and that I don’t want to think it. They still got mad. So then I don’t want to talk about it.
All I hear is ‘cheer up’, but I can’t. If only it was that simple.
How do you feel? Chemically imbalanced
“Chemical imbalance… Sounds hormonal”
*bangs head against wall*
So as you do, I turned to google 
I found a quote which helped a bit
Telling someone with depression to cheer up is like telling a blind person to look harder
So I said this … ‘ok’. I still don’t think they get it.
I’ll make a drs appointment this time. I need to.
Normally I have bad days, then they get better and I think I’ve beaten it so don’t need to make an appointment. Then it returns, and I’m back to square one!
Erm, you still may need to push me to make this appointment. Still a big wuss!
I was feeling better this morning, I managed an hour at work before I broke down.
The usual shouting started ‘you’re worthless, selfish, you don’t do anything for anyone else but yourself, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, your minds blank, empty, like a blank piece of paper’ and so it went on. I could cope with that. I said my piece back and ignored further comments. ‘You may as well go die. I wouldn’t even care if you died. Wouldn’t care at all.’
That’s the part that got to me. My eyes welled up, I went to the bathroom to fix my tears and make up, and went on with the day. Stick and stones.
Every day this week I have been exhausted. After work, I lay in bed and doze off.
I woke up. Shit. Where am I? Did I finish work? What time is it? Did my boss return? Did I sort out what I needed to? Whats going on?
My mind was blank.
For at least 20 seconds I had a huge panic, my brain viscously trying to remember what had happened in the last 3 hours. I must have only been asleep for about 15 minutes. So why the hell did my mind go blank like this?
This wasn’t like the usual thing when someone asks what I did Monday and I have no bloody idea, this was far worse than that.
I’m losing my marbles. If you find them, please give them back.
Mr Married Man wants to see me Friday. Then he never wants to see me again. Then he does. Then tells me to go screw myself. Then wants to see me.
He doesn’t want to date me anymore. I told him he needs to tell me he 100% will never want to date me anymore. He says he can’t, he says he doesn’t know how he will feel until he knows the truth about what happened Saturday.
I’m not being stuck in the middle again.
I don’t want you to get back with me in the future. I want you to be happy, and we both know you can’t be happy with me, not when I’m like this. It’s not fair on you. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you anymore x
There. Now to make sure I stick to it.
Painted cheeks
Pained eyes
Hiding emotion
In disguise
Watches world
Passing by
Glass cabinets
Quietly lie
Delicate china
Craving touch
Weary smiles
Breaking much
Hidden beauty
Never glanced
On display
Shallow enhanced
Cracks show
Pale thin
Soon spotted
Into bin
When I was little I used to love visiting my nanas house. We would play card games, run around the garden and she would let us play a beehive game on her sky!
But most of all, she collected things. Fridge magnets, tea towels, glass balls, and most importantly, a doll from every country she visited. They would sit proudly in her glass cabinet, I feel like one of these dolls.
I spent this whole morning crying. It was a bit strange.
Most people ignore me when I cry, which is fine by me. I try to stop, so if someone talks to me it starts again. Especially if they ask me how I am.
I had guests over for lunch, at one point I had to go to the basement to sort the washing just so I could sit and cry for a little while. I just couldn’t cope.
I tried to work out what happened Saturday night. I read back through posts, I read Humming.
It’s like I knew that this was going to happen. That my depression was coming back, and that I would sin. I just didn’t know how.
This afternoon after a few emails I calmed down. Now looking back at this morning, it’s like what on earth was all that about?
I’ve just completely lost the plot
Will someone please come slap me next time I get like this? I’d probably enjoy it though..
