Honey

Hello.

I’m back. I need to be back.

Oh sorry to disappoint you, you thought you were rid of me right?

I’m trying to sort my life out now.

I’ve done a few changes in the last 2 weeks. The main ones being finishing mr married man and cutting communication, telling my family and friends about the depression, seeing my family two weeks in a row (normally only at Christmas) and speaking to my bosses about time off for counselling.

I also went to the hen party which I was adamant I wasn’t going to go to. But I think that needs a post of its own

Now to get my social life back. Damn, whats a social life?

I’m going clubbing Friday night and have a date Saturday night. Remember when I got a little bit too drunk?It’s with that guy so I’m not going to get my hopes up here! I need to do something Sunday, or I’ll mope. I need to keep busy.

Other than that, I don’t know where to go from there. Any ideas?

Until I Go

May1

Words are racing
Through my mind
Swirling whirling
Trying to find

A blank paper
Canvas to paint
Feelings and wisdom
All too faint

Fear taking over
Breaking me down
Mind over body
Make no sound

A thousand thoughts
In my eyes
Seek the truth
Through the lies

I’m lost again
As you know
Count each day
Until I go

Single

Apr22

There. I did it.

I told him I couldn’t cope with dating him anymore.

Of course, he started ranting again throwing insults in there and so on. I ignored it. I deleted his number. I deleted him on foursquare.

Single. All alone.

So you’d think after all these mistakes I’d have a good idea of what I was looking for. So here we go.

1. Single. you’d have thought I would have understood that before right?

2. No criminal record.

3. No children.

4. No dealing.

5. No lying.

6. Not living with parents.

7. Employment.

8. Great personality.

9. Supportive.

10. Attractive.

Do men like this exist?

Support

Apr21

I know I’m a bit difficult to cope with at the moment, and some people don’t know how to react when I tell them.

I was hoping mr mm would be supportive and understanding.

I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks and was hoping to see him tomorrow. But he’s flipped.

‘You’re whiny, immature, self centred and not remotely the strong, independent or mature girl you made out you were in those first couple of months. Instead it’s constant crap from you as if I should be throwing everything down for you’

‘Making you cry now? You fucking deserve it after all your bullshit’

‘I’m simply saying “sod you, you nasty NASTY self centred bitch”‘

‘I realise now just how selfish and self centre you are. All about you you you. Everything’s twisted to be ‘poor Little Miss’ and nasty other people – be it your Mum, sister, me..whoever.
Look in the bloody mirror, reality check needed’

‘You told her I finished with you, end of story – violin strings for poor victim Little Miss please everybody’

This is about me telling my auntie that he broke up with me twice. Over reaction?

‘Attack me and don’t expect me to sit around being supportive’

I can’t cope with him right now. I have enough going on in my life without this as well.

I’ll find that independence I once had again

Sorry!

Apr19

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, this depression things messed me up a bit. I swear I was better before going to the doctor!

I will finish my a-z challenge, I loved doing that! But in my own time. Part of this depression thing is losing interest in things you enjoy. I thought I’d managed to miss that symptom bit unfortunately my blogging took the hit.

I’m handing in my resignation on Monday. I’ve never done this before so I’m a bit scared!
This also leaves me homeless, as I live with my job.

That’s just ridiculous right? Giving up my income, and home just for NHS counselling.

Luckily my Auntie is taking me in, she has 3 kids already and her husband made redundant looking for work also.
I don’t know how we’re going to afford it.

I haven’t seen Mr MM in two weeks. Yesterday he told me he doesn’t want a baby with me or to live with me.

So yep, verge of breakdown here.

I don’t think screwed even begins to describe this. All because of some stupid disease.

Wish me luck!

Happy Pills

Apr11

I went to the Doctors today.

Okay, I had to go. I ran out of pills and as usual I left it til the last possible chance to get some more. .. and then had an hours wait! Another reason I hate the Doctors.

I had my bloodpressure check, he said I could have another perscription. There. Done Sorted. I wanted to run, but I didn’t.

I reached into my handbag and pulled out my spider diagram. Oh no wait, that’s not politically correct anymore is it. Thought cloud. I put it on the table. I want to talk about this too. I had wrote down all the things linked to my depression.

That was it, the tears were streaming down my face. I knew this would happen, that’s why I wrote it. I cry then can’t talk.

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, we had a chat and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I wanted drugs. He said I need counselling and the only way I can get that is if I leave my job and that is something I really need to think about. Whether I want to get better.

I got the drugs.

It’s not easy to leave my job, I live here. It’s all I have in London. I have no where else to go.

Apart from Mr MM.

Maybe I’ll look like this lady soon

I Know

Apr7

I know, you’re busy
With her by your side
No thoughts of me
Kills me inside

I want you here
Selfish, I know
You’re hers for now
She is my foe

Holding in the tears
As you mention her name
I know, it’s your life
Hurts all the same

I need you with me
You say you will go
Can’t do this much longer
You love me, I know

If They Could See Me Now

Apr4

My friends
If you could see me now
You would not know
Not recognise me
From long ago

Bags under my eyes
Not from a great night out
Tossing and turning
The waking in the dreams

Tears roll down my cheek
From untold pains
Not the laughter you know me for
Til I can’t hold them in

The innuendos I once whispered
Into your ears cheekily
They are no more
Whispers of self doubt

The echoing giggles
Now only in my mind
Laughing at failure
Not joyous times

Friends, if you could see
What has happened
The truth behind
The broken smiles
Would you still be here for me?

Sex Vs. Making Love

Mar25

There is one thing I don’t understand. Okay.. scrap that. There are a lot of things I don’t understand. But this one is annoying me.

Who ever says that women can’t have sex without feelings?

Apparently every man I’ve slept with I’ve had feelings for. Even those ones who’s names I can’t remember the next morning? Oh how I disagree.

Sometimes, I just want sex. I’m drunk, horny, and decided the guy isn’t going to kill me. Do I have feelings for him? None other than I want his cock.

I asked you clever people on twitter your thoughts about Sex Vs. Making Love..

@LukeStott Making love is what a women does when a man is having sex with her… or so I’ve heard

@podgydad A state of mind although you make love using your heart, mind and body, sex you’re just using your body

@RichMelbourne sex is sex with anyone. Making love is sex with someone you care about and love with all your heart

@SingleInShires making love is when you want to see the person again!

So Luke has pointed out the stereotype of women having feelings for sex, where as men just have sex.

But looking back to What Is Sex When It’s Not Sex?, it was Mr Married Man who had the feelings first.

The stereotype just really annoys me. I didn’t have feelings for any of my ONS’s. I wasn’t disappointed to never hear from them again, to not have their numbers, or to not remember their names. We both got what we wanted. I didn’t experience a ‘low’, I went away feeling better. Most of the time..

My ONS’s are completely outweighing relationships. So as far as feelings for sex are concerned, there has to be a relationship and love. That’s what it is. Making love. If there isn’t any love to make, just sex.

Trying to explain to Mr Married Man that what I did was just sex was hard. “You’re not a man, so why try and act like one?”

Oh, how to piss me off further. So it’s okay for men to go sleep around with who ever they want and that’s fine. But not the women? Thats just pathetic.

Who do you think all these men are sleeping with? Some other men, but I bet a lot of women are involved! Why should the women be ashamed to say they do the same?

Sex is still involving a lot of sexism. I hope that one day that will change.

Blank

Mar14

I was feeling better this morning, I managed an hour at work before I broke down.

The usual shouting started ‘you’re worthless, selfish, you don’t do anything for anyone else but yourself, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, your minds blank, empty, like a blank piece of paper’ and so it went on. I could cope with that. I said my piece back and ignored further comments. ‘You may as well go die. I wouldn’t even care if you died. Wouldn’t care at all.’
That’s the part that got to me. My eyes welled up, I went to the bathroom to fix my tears and make up, and went on with the day. Stick and stones.

Every day this week I have been exhausted. After work, I lay in bed and doze off.

I woke up. Shit. Where am I? Did I finish work? What time is it? Did my boss return? Did I sort out what I needed to? Whats going on?

My mind was blank.

For at least 20 seconds I had a huge panic, my brain viscously trying to remember what had happened in the last 3 hours. I must have only been asleep for about 15 minutes. So why the hell did my mind go blank like this?

This wasn’t like the usual thing when someone asks what I did Monday and I have no bloody idea, this was far worse than that.

I’m losing my marbles. If you find them, please give them back.

Mr Married Man wants to see me Friday. Then he never wants to see me again. Then he does. Then tells me to go screw myself. Then wants to see me.

He doesn’t want to date me anymore. I told him he needs to tell me he 100% will never want to date me anymore. He says he can’t, he says he doesn’t know how he will feel until he knows the truth about what happened Saturday.

I’m not being stuck in the middle again.

I don’t want you to get back with me in the future. I want you to be happy, and we both know you can’t be happy with me, not when I’m like this. It’s not fair on you. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you anymore x

There. Now to make sure I stick to it.

Dirty Little Whispers

Seductive Secrets

Category Archives: Myself