Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while. I just though I’d give myself the chance to think about what to do, to assess the situation.
I needed to work out what I really wanted.
This is easier said than done.
I didn’t go see Mr Married Man last weekend. I wanted to, but I didn’t.
We had three days with no contact to give ourselves some ‘space’.
This was a lot harder for me than I thought. I had spoke to him every day since summer, even in the week when he finished me and went to Italy, he still emailed me everyday.
He was respecting that I said no dating until after his divorce and trying to be just ‘friends’ until then.
I went out, but I wouldn’t let other men near me. It didnt feel right, and I felt uncomfortable. I cried before I went to sleep each night, and cried in the morning. I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening. I tried.
I wasn’t coping, and back to thinking things I didn’t want to think.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some crazy lady when it comes to break ups. I can accept when it’s over, unlike my ex’s, so I had no intention of locking Mr Married Man up and throwing away the key.
I never once guilt tripped him, or begged for him back. I left it as it was. Friends.
Friends doesn’t work for me.
I’m one of these all or nothing kind of people. Being in the middle was just killing me. I couldn’t supress me feelings, and not talk about ‘us’. It wasn’t doing me any good mentally.
He was stronger than me, he said we had to be friends and that’s how it should stay until he gets a divorce as that’s what we had decided. He said I had to talk about other things than ‘us’. But I couldn’t. It was all that was on my mind.
I was still gaining my independence back. It took me long enough to find it by moving to London, and I’m quite ashamed that I lost it. Well, the anxiety stole it from me. So I’m stealing it back, slowly.
I was stuck in limbo with him. I hate limbo. I can’t even limbo, I fall over.
You can’t have some sort of dodgy half way relationship, he told me, I get it. You’re torn.
It was Head vs Heart vs Conscience vs Depression.
Now that’s a confusing mix for anyone.
I sat sobbing for a few hours, with tears all down my cheeks, and snot smeared across tissues. Very attractive.
So I said it, let’s just date then. I can’t just be friends.
The tears stopped. I calmed down, and felt a lot better.
But you said no dating until I’m divorced? he said. And you said Goodbye, and I mean for good. I replied.
Go ahead, make a fool of yourself, then maybe you’ll listen to your conscience. – Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)
I know, I’m really sad. You have no idea how excited I get when I get an email which isn’t spam. Or actual letters. Then I’m like a giddy school girl all day. But an email would do nicely.
