This blog, is my blog. It’s my space. My thoughts, and my therapy.

It also has all of my feelings.

If I’m happy, I’ll blog happy memories
If I’m sad, I’ll write about what’s made me sad and how to sort it
If I’m confused, I’ll ramble a load of rubbish
If I’m insecure, I’ll post a photo
If I’m horny, well, you’ll know about it

My blog will change all the time depending on how I feel, what I want to write about, and what I need to. For me.

I can’t always be what you want me to be. I’m not here to please you. I’m here for the biscuits to live my life.

You can bear with me, or you can leave. I’m not keeping you here or making you read my story. That’s up to you. Your freedom of choice.

The distance between us is all the same
Yet you seem further from I than you
You push and push but I won’t break
I will not make that same mistake

I stand strong upon my ground
Pushing back to make my stance
You do not like this new uncertainty
Nothing left so you can’t hurt me

War paint smiles across my face
Your game I no longer wish to play
All we’ve caused is aching hearts
Both knowing we’d be better apart

I made my point and told you straight
You bent the rules once again
I’m going to let you win the fight
No arguing now I can sleep at night

Okay.. So a slight issue with my sex therapy plan. I have a feeling that handcuffing myself to the bed wouldn’t be much fun really.

I’m going to have to re think this.

I could just go out every weekend and have sex with strangers. Looking back, I’m not quite sure how I managed that myself.. to have the confidence to get dressed up every weekend, pull a guy, go back with him and then conduct the walk of shame in the morning. That does take a bit of balls really.

The thought of having to do that again scares me a bit. It didn’t at the time. If I tell my friends stories of my nights out they look at me in horror at the things I did. The dangerous situations. I guess that’s what puts me off a bit.

The first guy I went back with I didn’t even sleep with …okay, I may have given him a blowjob as we had no condoms… but I spent the whole way to his asking if he was going to murder me. I like to be sure of these things.

This weekend I’m going to Mayfair club again. As I mentioned previously it was the first club I went to when I came to London, but it shut down soon after. It’s opened again. I’ve been in London a year now. I feel like I’ve completely gone full loop. Right back to the beginning.

Right back to when I had confidence, and really short dresses.

For an easy life, I will back down. I’ll go along with anything. If you start an argument with me, I’ll let you win. It will keep you quiet. I don’t want you getting aggresive and shouting at me. I’m not an aggressive person. I’m passive. Unless you really piss me off, then you’ll get a slap.

But one thing I won’t do, is be pushed away. Not that I’m particuarly clingy. I just won’t stand for it.
I had a friend who lives just around the corner, I would see her most days and always chat to her. One day she fell out with me. I’m not sure what over. I tried to talk to her, she didn’t reply. I left it. That’s how it’s been for 4 months. I don’t like walking past her flat. I feel anxious.

So Mr Married Man decided he wasn’t going to message me much yesterday and wait until I messaged him. As I usually do. Where as I had the idea that I’m fed up of messaging him so he should put some effort in. This caused a stand off. I always had ‘the last word’ in the converstion, so the ball was in his court so to speak.

5 hours later the ranting started as to why the ‘zero contact’. Later I fell asleep, I woke up to fourteen messages from him. I replied, we argued. He mentioned the emails on my phone to ‘Mistress’, and the sex blogs. Apparently it ‘buzzed up’. It may buzz when I get an email, it doesn’t unlock itself and read the email.

He asked if I was cheating, if I wanted to have sex with someone else. Why was I being weird.

‘You’re really looking for an excuse to break up it seems’ he said. ‘Now that’s a very accusing sentence’ I replied.

He keeps saying that I’m being distant, I told him I was busy with work.

‘If you thought I was being distant, why are you pushing me further away?’ ‘Why did you stop talking to me, and decide we shouldn’t go on a date?’

‘Ok I think we’ll end this conversation, I’m getting on the tube, have a good afternoon’.

We’ll end this? That’s him ending it. Running away from the reality.

‘Keep pushing, and I’ll be gone.’ I said.

‘Ok I’ve had enough. you want it, off you go … been discussing wanting sex with other people… you come across as what you are – young, immature at times and who’s idea of a serious relationship was some fucked up bartender and too much Hollyoaks…. I don’t know what you are or what’s happened to you or why… we’re finished – now you can sleep at night and whatever else it is you seem to want…’

So well, that’s that.

Reblogged from SAHDandproud:

And so. Some news. News which could startle you and shock your pants off. Or not. *Shuffles papers. Adopts newsreader voice* *Bong* The rise and rise and rise in popularity of spending time online,  and the sheer amount of time people spend on Facebook *Spits* and that other one, Twitter, is accounting for increased unhappiness, matrimonial disharmony and is becoming cited more and more in divorce cases as a reason for couples wanting to split. A Scottish lawyer has said some stuff. Heck, bear with me …

Social Networking vs Relationships, written by the pro

I hold grudges, a lot. If you’ve ever offended me and really hurt me. I’ll remember. I’ll hold it against you…unless you apologise.

So now I’m going to try and let go of my grudges. And in some cases be, ‘the bigger person’.

I text my sister on Sunday. I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas. I stuck to speaking about my niece. She asked about the rumour of me having a boyfriend. I gave away nothing. Her fiancé butted in. So she had obviously been discussing my messages with him for him to comment. This annoys me. If I wanted to talk to him, I would have. I wanted to talk to my sister. One grudge at a time.

Today I rang a friend who also hasn’t spoke to me since Christmas. After 3 months warning that I would be home for my birthday and having fireworks, she bailed on me to go to a gay bar. I asked her how her night was after, she said it was boring, she never asked about my birthday. I still invited her to meet up at Christmas, then she hasn’t spoke to me since. We had a chat for about 5 minutes. It’s a start. She messaged me after saying ‘Was good hearing from you xxx’ which was nice.

I don’t want to push people away, but with some people, I’m always the one who has to make the effort. It would just be nice to have someone think of me for a change.

It’s the same with Mr Married Man. I’m always the one who has to make contact first. So today I didn’t. I waited until he said Morning first. I kept my answers brief and tried to not lead the conversation. He stopped talking. I didn’t pick up the conversation as I usually would. Five hours until he cracked, then the ranting started. I didn’t reply. He continued. I didn’t reply. He text. I replied. He continued the rant. I’m not replying.

Things like this make me appreciate the people who will send me messages out of the blue, take their time to come visit me and have the initiative to take the first step and not play games. Those are the people I love the most.

They’re slowly dying. What a horrible life to be a flower. Made to suffer in a vase, watched as you die. So I took one out. And it had a worse fate in my rose garden

Reblogged from Hurt Or Heal:

So Mr. Perfect  ONS has been texting me since I left yesterday and it’s been lovely. We seem to like the same things and he gets my sense of humour. Which relies heavily on sarcasm so not to everyone’s taste. BUT then he goes and sends me this today: ‘Ello you. Work is same as always, not too long left now. I am playing football tonight so won’t be able to meet up BUT, I’d like you to come back one weekend or something in the near future if you’re free? You can stay at my new house if you don’t want to …

THE GIRL NEEDS ADVICE NOW! Please help

I now need to purchase a bunny outfit

I changed the name, did you notice? DID YOU?

I ignored all your lovely advice as usual, and then shouted at myself and got really mad until I changed it.

Then I forked out my hard earned cash and made it a ‘.com’. Am I looking a bit fancy here now?

I also added a site redirect from the old site to this one, so you all have no excuse for getting lost in the big wide internet world out there.

My ‘Sexy Saturday’ has also had an update on the badge to the new site. Although NO ONE took part in it this week. *sob* *slaps everyones bums* Not really a punishment, I know you like that

I even really pushed the boat out and got a Guest! Check him out

But what am I most excited about I hear you ask..

I have a new email! I know, I’m really sad. You have no idea how excited I get when I get an email which isn’t spam. Or actual letters. Then I’m like a giddy school girl all day. But an email would do nicely.

littlemiss@dirtylittlewhispers.com

Go on, make a girl smile!

P.S I’ll let you ask me anything…