Stubborn

I’ve been tweeting more than blogging recently, you can follow me @dirtylittlew

I was breaking and wanting to talk to mr mm. He was getting to me.
I hadn’t gone this far to break, I needed to get the messages to stop. I could have spoke to his wife, ruined his business and caused him a costly divorce. Instead, I went to the police. It seems harsh, but really was the kindest answer. They took it very seriously, 130 messages in an hour, over 300 a day continuously for 3 weeks, card, letters, emailing my mother.
They thought he was a serious threat to my health, so he was arrested. This was to make him understand what he was doing was unacceptable.
He was given a harassment warning. If he contacts me directly or indirectly through my friends/family he will be arrested again.
I can’t say it worked, he then turned to tweeting. Saying horrible things about me but without including my twitter id I can’t report it.
I couldn’t cope and had suicidal thoughts. Back to the doctors to increase my medication.
Today I’m not going to read his tweets. Why am I giving him the power back? I need to get rid of him for good. Stop thinking about him.
It’s a lot easier said than done, but I’m going to try.

I may have been weak, but he forgot just how bloody stubborn I am!

Single

Apr22

There. I did it.

I told him I couldn’t cope with dating him anymore.

Of course, he started ranting again throwing insults in there and so on. I ignored it. I deleted his number. I deleted him on foursquare.

Single. All alone.

So you’d think after all these mistakes I’d have a good idea of what I was looking for. So here we go.

1. Single. you’d have thought I would have understood that before right?

2. No criminal record.

3. No children.

4. No dealing.

5. No lying.

6. Not living with parents.

7. Employment.

8. Great personality.

9. Supportive.

10. Attractive.

Do men like this exist?

Support

Apr21

I know I’m a bit difficult to cope with at the moment, and some people don’t know how to react when I tell them.

I was hoping mr mm would be supportive and understanding.

I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks and was hoping to see him tomorrow. But he’s flipped.

‘You’re whiny, immature, self centred and not remotely the strong, independent or mature girl you made out you were in those first couple of months. Instead it’s constant crap from you as if I should be throwing everything down for you’

‘Making you cry now? You fucking deserve it after all your bullshit’

‘I’m simply saying “sod you, you nasty NASTY self centred bitch”‘

‘I realise now just how selfish and self centre you are. All about you you you. Everything’s twisted to be ‘poor Little Miss’ and nasty other people – be it your Mum, sister, me..whoever.
Look in the bloody mirror, reality check needed’

‘You told her I finished with you, end of story – violin strings for poor victim Little Miss please everybody’

This is about me telling my auntie that he broke up with me twice. Over reaction?

‘Attack me and don’t expect me to sit around being supportive’

I can’t cope with him right now. I have enough going on in my life without this as well.

I’ll find that independence I once had again

I Know

Apr7

I know, you’re busy
With her by your side
No thoughts of me
Kills me inside

I want you here
Selfish, I know
You’re hers for now
She is my foe

Holding in the tears
As you mention her name
I know, it’s your life
Hurts all the same

I need you with me
You say you will go
Can’t do this much longer
You love me, I know

Catch Up

Mar24

Oh dear. Sorry. I haven’t blogged in like a week. That is shocking. Please queue up now to spank me as punishment.

So let me fill you in on what’s been going on.

Last weekend Mr Married Man came to see me. You hear that, he came here. On time. Wow.
So we went to the pub down the road from me to talk. I knew what I had to say. The truth about the foursome.

So I told him the truth. Vaguely. As I’m not even sure. He asked about condoms. I said we used them. He said I didn’t remember. I said I remember that. I insisted on that. He looked at me and reminded me of when we met. No condoms. He accepted it, and insisted that we both go get tested. Nothing was to happen between us until we got tested.

A hand job under the table later damn you wine.. and we were in a taxi to the flat. Before we had sex I said to him. Oi. Condoms. You said you used them, he replied, so doesn’t matter.

Whilst out for dinner, my mum text me saying they were visiting tomorrow morning. I’ll meet them, said Mr Married Man. I was shocked. What?! I’ll meet your parents, he repeated.

So the next day, after hours of shopping with my parents, Mr Married Man turned up. We went for a drink, he bought the drinks and they chatted. Afterwards my parents said how nice he is, and they’re glad I have someone looking after me.

On Monday he came to me again and we went to the pub for dinner for a few hours before he left to finish some work.
I saw him again last night, we went to a few bars and drank awful champagne/wine.

The thing is though, we’re now on a complete honesty kind of thing. I told him about the online dating, but should I tell him about this blog? My last secret..

Blank

Mar14

I was feeling better this morning, I managed an hour at work before I broke down.

The usual shouting started ‘you’re worthless, selfish, you don’t do anything for anyone else but yourself, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, your minds blank, empty, like a blank piece of paper’ and so it went on. I could cope with that. I said my piece back and ignored further comments. ‘You may as well go die. I wouldn’t even care if you died. Wouldn’t care at all.’
That’s the part that got to me. My eyes welled up, I went to the bathroom to fix my tears and make up, and went on with the day. Stick and stones.

Every day this week I have been exhausted. After work, I lay in bed and doze off.

I woke up. Shit. Where am I? Did I finish work? What time is it? Did my boss return? Did I sort out what I needed to? Whats going on?

My mind was blank.

For at least 20 seconds I had a huge panic, my brain viscously trying to remember what had happened in the last 3 hours. I must have only been asleep for about 15 minutes. So why the hell did my mind go blank like this?

This wasn’t like the usual thing when someone asks what I did Monday and I have no bloody idea, this was far worse than that.

I’m losing my marbles. If you find them, please give them back.

Mr Married Man wants to see me Friday. Then he never wants to see me again. Then he does. Then tells me to go screw myself. Then wants to see me.

He doesn’t want to date me anymore. I told him he needs to tell me he 100% will never want to date me anymore. He says he can’t, he says he doesn’t know how he will feel until he knows the truth about what happened Saturday.

I’m not being stuck in the middle again.

I don’t want you to get back with me in the future. I want you to be happy, and we both know you can’t be happy with me, not when I’m like this. It’s not fair on you. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you anymore x

There. Now to make sure I stick to it.

Last Friday Night

Mar7

I’m still remaining ‘single’, although technically I’m back with Mr MM.

I thought it would be better to talk in person, as most of our arguments (and break ups) are on instant messengers.

So I went to see him Friday night at the flat. I asked for a chinese so he ordered one in, and bought me some alcohol.

We talked for a little while but he wouldn’t keep his hands off me. I wasn’t helping by the fact I turned up in a red lace see through dress. But hey, wanted him to see what he lost.

I gave him the necklace back that he got me for Christmas as it had broken, so he said he would get it fixed for me.

We had sex. I wasn’t in the mood for sex having spent the evening crying.
Will you hurry up and finish, I need a wee. I am so romantic.

I refused to say we were back together. I still do. I don’t want him to worm his way back in this easily. I’ve had enough of ‘on off’ relationships.

I want him to fight for me properly. He says he will, but I’m yet to see it.

We walked in silence to the taxi, he later said he didn’t know what to say, that he was heartbroken, and that he had an awful evening and wished we’d just gone for drinks.

But that wouldn’t have gotten me a chinese now would it.

Bitch

Mar2

My friend called me a bitch.

She says I’m a bitch to Mr Married Man.

She says there’s no wonder he hasn’t left his wife for me.

I don’t think I’m a bitch. And I don’t think I’m a bitch to him.

We had an argument last night, I don’t even know how. He starts the arguments, he insists that it’s all my fault. I still don’t see how it’s my fault, and I didn’t even argue. I just expressed my side.

I am stubborn. I never used to be, it’s a new trait I have gained. I’m guessing this is what makes me a bitch. Anxiety makes me stubborn. It has a hold on me. It creates routines. Just like my taxi’s home. I could happily get the tube and a bus home, but when I first went out, I had a taxi home. Now I always need a taxi home.

Sometimes though, I do like to have my own way. Mr Married Man will actually happily do what it is I want to, so really he’s quite nice…does that make me a bitch? Most of the time I just want to stay in bed though

He Said, She Said

Feb2

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while. I just though I’d give myself the chance to think about what to do, to assess the situation.

I needed to work out what I really wanted.

This is easier said than done.

I didn’t go see Mr Married Man last weekend. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

We had three days with no contact to give ourselves some ‘space’.

This was a lot harder for me than I thought. I had spoke to him every day since summer, even in the week when he finished me and went to Italy, he still emailed me everyday.

He was respecting that I said no dating until after his divorce and trying to be just ‘friends’ until then.

I went out, but I wouldn’t let other men near me. It didnt feel right, and I felt uncomfortable. I cried before I went to sleep each night, and cried in the morning. I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening. I tried.

I wasn’t coping, and back to thinking things I didn’t want to think.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some crazy lady when it comes to break ups. I can accept when it’s over, unlike my ex’s, so I had no intention of locking Mr Married Man up and throwing away the key.

I never once guilt tripped him, or begged for him back. I left it as it was. Friends.

Friends doesn’t work for me.

I’m one of these all or nothing kind of people. Being in the middle was just killing me. I couldn’t supress me feelings, and not talk about ‘us’. It wasn’t doing me any good mentally.

He was stronger than me, he said we had to be friends and that’s how it should stay until he gets a divorce as that’s what we had decided. He said I had to talk about other things than ‘us’. But I couldn’t. It was all that was on my mind.

I was still gaining my independence back. It took me long enough to find it by moving to London, and I’m quite ashamed that I lost it. Well, the anxiety stole it from me. So I’m stealing it back, slowly.

I was stuck in limbo with him. I hate limbo. I can’t even limbo, I fall over.

You can’t have some sort of dodgy half way relationship, he told me, I get it. You’re torn.

It was Head vs Heart vs Conscience vs Depression.

Now that’s a confusing mix for anyone.

I sat sobbing for a few hours, with tears all down my cheeks, and snot smeared across tissues. Very attractive.

So I said it, let’s just date then. I can’t just be friends.

The tears stopped. I calmed down, and felt a lot better.

But you said no dating until I’m divorced? he said. And you said Goodbye, and I mean for good. I replied.

Go ahead, make a fool of yourself, then maybe you’ll listen to your conscience. – Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)

I Think It’s All Over..

Jan19

I think it’s all over… ~~it is now.~~

Okay, needless to say today didn’t quite go as I wanted. I wanted to cry last night, to get it all out of my system and start new today. But I just couldn’t.

So this morning, I was at work for 10 minutes, and wanted to sit and cry my heart out. Not because of Mr Married Man, because of my work.

There are only so many hours a week I can cope with being shouted at
‘I hate you, you’re worthless, you’re worthless and good for nothing, you’re stupid, you’re worthless, good for nothing and stupid, you can’t do anything right, you’re a spoilt brat, thats what you are, a brat. Why do you have to ruin everything, I wish you’d just leave, idiot.

It’s like a broken record on repeat all week, wearing me down.

Mr Married Man asked how I was, We agreed yesterday we’re not talking about how I feel

Of course, he had a go at me for being so nasty with my one line reply.

To be perfecty honest, you’re doing an amazing job of being horrible and unpleasant.
Just to add to the insults I already had from before.

I thought he was going to say something positive, I’m doing an amazing job… oh. Nope, still can’t be nice.

If I’m so awful, why are you with me? I asked.

Exactly what I’m wondering for the first time. After really looking forwards to seeing you when I woke up, I’m back to thinking “why do I bother” and not at all looking forwards to the weekend. Jesus I can’t seriously believe I was talking about having a baby with you. I must’ve been fucking insane. We apparently can’t even have a fairly relaxed relationship at a distance much less living together with a baby.

The next time someone asks me how I am, I’m just going to say “fine thanks”.

You’ve been horrible, arsey and weird. I don’t like it, you’re like a different person.

Seriously, what is it with people insulting me today?

I’m sorry I’m a wreck this week. I replied I can’t cope. I want to go run into traffic.

Okay, so I probably didn’t put that the best way. But it’s how I feel. Bluntly.

I don’t understand, I love you. I just want to be with you whenever we can and to make you happy

I think I made that pretty obvious, he still doesn’t understand. Hmm.

That’s what I meant by I don’t know if I’ll make it to friday. I meant me. Not us.
Any more obvious?

Why a wreck and don’t know if you’ll make it to Friday?
I guess not!

I just can’t cope this week. Finish me if you want, it’ll make your life easier
I can give that ultimatum too

No, I’m not finishing with you. It’s too late now I’m completely in love with you, but I don’t understand what’s going on, or how to help you in any way. I want to be a support and happy bit of your life but feel like I’m the opposite. It’s hard finding out why you’re feeling so down. I’ve tried to be here for you but you don’t seem yourself, and aren’t exactly the most open communicator of your feelings

Hmmm, nothing to do with every time I try and say something he shoots me down then? No, that wouldn’t be it.

We’ve agreed we’ll talk about it at the weekend. So if you drive your car tomorrow, I won’t end up on your bonnet just yet.

Dirty Little Whispers

Seductive Secrets

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