Happy Pills

I went to the Doctors today.

Okay, I had to go. I ran out of pills and as usual I left it til the last possible chance to get some more. .. and then had an hours wait! Another reason I hate the Doctors.

I had my bloodpressure check, he said I could have another perscription. There. Done Sorted. I wanted to run, but I didn’t.

I reached into my handbag and pulled out my spider diagram. Oh no wait, that’s not politically correct anymore is it. Thought cloud. I put it on the table. I want to talk about this too. I had wrote down all the things linked to my depression.

That was it, the tears were streaming down my face. I knew this would happen, that’s why I wrote it. I cry then can’t talk.

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, we had a chat and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I wanted drugs. He said I need counselling and the only way I can get that is if I leave my job and that is something I really need to think about. Whether I want to get better.

I got the drugs.

It’s not easy to leave my job, I live here. It’s all I have in London. I have no where else to go.

Apart from Mr MM.

Maybe I’ll look like this lady soon

Impossible

Mar28

How do I explain to someone about how I’m feeling?

Well, I can say what I feel. But I can’t explain why. I can’t help feeling this way.

If I say what’s on my mind. They get mad. I said I know what I think is me being silly, and that I don’t want to think it. They still got mad. So then I don’t want to talk about it.

All I hear is ‘cheer up’, but I can’t. If only it was that simple.

How do you feel? Chemically imbalanced
“Chemical imbalance… Sounds hormonal”
*bangs head against wall*

So as you do, I turned to google

I found a quote which helped a bit

Telling someone with depression to cheer up is like telling a blind person to look harder

So I said this … ‘ok’. I still don’t think they get it.

I’ll make a drs appointment this time. I need to.
Normally I have bad days, then they get better and I think I’ve beaten it so don’t need to make an appointment. Then it returns, and I’m back to square one!

Erm, you still may need to push me to make this appointment. Still a big wuss!

January 12

Jan31

January hasn’t exactly been the best start to the year. Okay, that’s a slight understatement.

New Year

Yes. I made it into 2012. That’s quite an achievement. I didn’t die for all 365 days in 2011. This years a bit tricker. 366 days to survive.
I spent the New Year alone in my room, in my party dress. Not quite the start I wanted.

Drag
First time in a gay bar, I loved it! Who wouldn’t want to spend their evening having banter with a drag queen?

Anxiety
It returned. And misery loves company, so it brought something else with it, something much worse.

Contraception
I screwed it up as usual, but on the plus side, I went to the Dr’s. So I now have a Dr’s. Which was useful for when I got cystitis. Not so useful to not have the results from 6 days ago… *runs to the bathroom*. What’s the benefit of these Dr’s again?

Rock
I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t cope. And I lost everything.

Resolutions
Pretty sure I broke most of these, and the chinese ones too

I just managed to scrape one little thing back though. And you’re not going to like it.

February is going to be a better month. I will make sure of that.

Doctor Doctor

Jan16

I put on my brave face and went to the Dr’s this morning.

When I arrived I saw the nurse who I had the introduction with, she was very nice and welcoming and made me feel a bit more at ease.

I taped in on the touch screen computer, in my doctors in the sticks we had bits of plastic with numbers half peeling off them It told me there was a 21 minute delay! Not a good start. I looked around, no where to sit. It was packed. I hate packed places.

I stood around. My name came up on the board. I felt a bit like I was in Argos when it calls you up. We don’t have a posh board in the sticks either, just a dull light. I didn’t tell me which room to go to. Not helpful. The Dr came and called me.

I told him the situations, that the other ~~evil~~ doctors wouldn’t give me my pills anymore and we had a little chat. He was actually quite nice. He took my blood pressure again, although I only had this done 3 days before, just to check. He had to do it 3 times, are you stressed? Yes. But that’s a story for another day.

He gave me my prescription, and said I needed to make another appointment for 3 months time for another check up then I can have more pills. Maybe if I try and book my appointment now, there may be a slot available by then.

So now I have a piece of paper. Which I somehow have to turn into my pills.

Whilst I was in the waiting room, I had the little lady with me. I said I wasn’t going to mention my occupation, so shall keep this brief. A lady was watching her and interacting. I love people who do this. I smiled at her nicely.

How old is she?
Nearly 16 months
Aww, mine would have been that age

My heart sank, and I actually felt like crying.

Some people passed, and some were called by Doctors.

She looked across at me again
I miscarried
I’m sorry, I whispered.

I could see the sadness in her eyes. What an awful thing to have to go to.

A Boy Who Loves A Girl recently shared their story of losing their baby.

It made me aware of what so many women have to go through, and that not every baby makes it to the 12 week scan.

I Told The Witch Doctor

Jan12

I’m a bit weary of writing a blog post today. I’m sort of cowering back in corner if I’m honest.

I don’t want to. So I’ll find my backbone again and keep going. If you don’t like it, feck off

*waits for followers to disappear and stats to turn to 0*

I went to the Dr’s today to register. After being here 11 months it was about time, right? Of course I waited until I really had to. Like most things.

Two forms of I.D. This is what stopped me from registering in the first place, it is impossible to find two forms of I.D they will accept.
I handed the receptionist a letter from the bank. We don’t accept letters, only bank statements. So, something else that is sent to the same address as the letter, but has ALL my bank details on it? And you’re going to photo copy that? With my bank details? I told her I do online banking, and that is all I have. She was not happy. I had fallen at the first hurdle.
Grumpy receptionists. That’s another reason I don’t like Doctors. I gave her my driving licence.
It needs to have been valid for at least 3 months. This says June. Now, I know I’m a bit ditzy at times, but if that says June, and now we’re in January, thats been valid for 7 months.
She looked at me as if I were in the wrong, and then went of to photocopy then came back with a huge form to fill in.

After filling in the ridiculously long form, which had asked my my name about 10 times, seriously? Was the first time not enough? I had to queue again to give it in, then correct all the parts I didn’t fill in. Oh sorry, I missed my name on that sheet! Lets queue again.
Then to sit back down for an extra half an hour or so for a check up. I don’t mind that the health visitor had to set up, sort the weights, someone walked past carrying a height chart, and fix the blood pressure machine. I’m not completely impatient.
When I went in, there was a big machine you stand on, it measures your height and weight in one, then you put your arm in it for the blood pressure. All she did was put the token in! Really wasn’t worth the wait.

It took an hour and a half, but I was now registered. So I have booked my appointment to discuss *whispers* contraception.

My Dr is called Snape. So now every time I go to the Dr’s I have this song stuck in my head:

http://www.dailymotion.com/embed/video/x5imsd
Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise by diaperbiscuits

Contraception Fail

Jan11

Someone has got it in for me this month.

I know I said I would leave it down to fate, but this is taking the piss.

To recap how much I’m failing this month:

Took 3 pills at once and threw up. That’s protection gone.

Had sex, took morning after pill. Didn’t throw it up.

Had sex, used pull out method. Only Mr Married Man didn’t pull out. Can’t take morning after pill twice in a month.

Took pills properly for 7 days, protection back.

Had sex. Few days later threw up again. Protection gone.

So I am SO close to the end of the packet, not that many of the pills stayed in my system for long. I need more pills now. I didn’t change my Dr since moving to London, so my mum posts my contraception to me. Just incase everything goes tits up and I move back home.

I rang the Drs. Receptionist always sounds grumpy. I don’t like Dr’s. Thats also probably something to do with why I didn’t change.

She said I can’t have my pills, because I need a blood pressure test and I last had one in 2010. I can’t go home for a blood pressure test. I’m screwed.

I now need to register to a Dr down here, and beg for some more pills.

I’m slightly ruining my idea of fate now. Because most of this is my fault. Or someone up there just wants me to get pregnant.

Dirty Little Whispers

Seductive Secrets

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