Cock and Hen

As I’ve mentioned, my sister is getting married in May.

After months and months of arguing that I will be requiring a double room with not a lot more information on the matter, I am now slightly dateless.

Although technically I’m not. Mr Married Man has still said he will go with me. But that would just be weird right?

Then there’s the hen do. I can’t be in the same room as my sister without arguing or crying. I am apparently ‘head bridesmaid’ supposedly you have to be married to be maid of honour, but I know absolutely nothing about the wedding and bought my own bridesmaid dress without much consultation from my sister other than sarcastic comments. There is a time for sarcasm, and when buying a £400 dress for her wedding, it was not the time!

I refused to organise the hen party. I refused to go to the hen party. I don’t want to travel 200 miles to sit with strangers and argue with my family.

My mums organising it, she rang me to say my sister said she doesn’t care if no one else turns up as long as my mum and I are there.

This is something I cannot understand. I cannot get my head around it. After years of being treated like shit, I don’t understand how she can think I can forget all that and pretend like everything okay when she still makes absolutely no effort.

My mums booked the spa weekend for the hen night and paid for me to go I’m sending her a cheque, I refuse to let her pay, but as far as my sisters concerned, I have no idea what’s going on.

I need all the luck in the world to survive this.. on the plus side, I can buy all willy merchandise from Ann Summers!

The Grudge

Feb21

I hold grudges, a lot. If you’ve ever offended me and really hurt me. I’ll remember. I’ll hold it against you…unless you apologise.

So now I’m going to try and let go of my grudges. And in some cases be, ‘the bigger person’.

I text my sister on Sunday. I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas. I stuck to speaking about my niece. She asked about the rumour of me having a boyfriend. I gave away nothing. Her fiancé butted in. So she had obviously been discussing my messages with him for him to comment. This annoys me. If I wanted to talk to him, I would have. I wanted to talk to my sister. One grudge at a time.

Today I rang a friend who also hasn’t spoke to me since Christmas. After 3 months warning that I would be home for my birthday and having fireworks, she bailed on me to go to a gay bar. I asked her how her night was after, she said it was boring, she never asked about my birthday. I still invited her to meet up at Christmas, then she hasn’t spoke to me since. We had a chat for about 5 minutes. It’s a start. She messaged me after saying ‘Was good hearing from you xxx’ which was nice.

I don’t want to push people away, but with some people, I’m always the one who has to make the effort. It would just be nice to have someone think of me for a change.

It’s the same with Mr Married Man. I’m always the one who has to make contact first. So today I didn’t. I waited until he said Morning first. I kept my answers brief and tried to not lead the conversation. He stopped talking. I didn’t pick up the conversation as I usually would. Five hours until he cracked, then the ranting started. I didn’t reply. He continued. I didn’t reply. He text. I replied. He continued the rant. I’m not replying.

Things like this make me appreciate the people who will send me messages out of the blue, take their time to come visit me and have the initiative to take the first step and not play games. Those are the people I love the most.

Love Makes The World Go Round

Jan13

I can say I love Mr Married Man. That’s easy. And my friends, I love them to pieces, every single one of them.

But my family. Now that’s a bit different.

You don’t hear the word ‘love’ in my family, unless it’s in the context You alright, love?

I have never heard my parents tell each other they love it other, or that they love me.

My aunties will say it to me, and I’ll wipe the tears off my face as they do.

I rang my Grandparents earlier, I used to phone them often when I first moved away, but soon ran out of things to talk about. She was suprised to hear from me. After saying goodbye like a hundred times, why do they make it so difficult to get off the phone? she said ‘Love you’. I paused… then hung up.

My sister has hated me since I was born. All through my childhood she has drilled this into my head at every opportunity possible. I’ve tried with her on several occasions, she is just impossible to get on with. Like my mother.
I spoke to my auntie the other day, and even she said how my sister is turning into my mother and she’s not the only one who thinks it either.

Now my sisters had a baby, my mum dotes on her. She has never liked babies, but now she’s cooing and aahing and spoiling her little granddaughter. Now when my sister and the baby leaves, my mum will go outside, give them both a big hug, say she loves them and stand and wave them off.

When I went home my boss’s wrote a Christmas card to my parents and added a note saying how I’m doing a wonderful job and that they should be proud of me. I didn’t know they had written this. My dad shouted me in the kitchen.

Now then, it’s one thing forging a Christmas card from your bosses, but the cheek to add in this note as well!
I looked at him confused. He showed me the card.
[To my mum] Have you seen this?
Yep.
Have you seen what it said?
Yes.
He looked at her disappointed.
I am really proud of you Then he gave me a hug.
I squirmed off to the other room to wipe my tears.

They say blood is thicker than water. But in the case of my mother and my sister, they may be thicker, but my water is more supportive and know me better than anyone.

Maybe in a few years when my family say they love me, I will be able to say it back. But for now, it’s too little too late.

I Do

Jan3

I just had a quick look on Facebook. I hate Facebook. I hate spending so much time looking at what people I don’t care about are up to. But I’ve just seen a girl I used to work with in the country got married today. She looked beautiful. She changed her status from ‘Engaged’ to ‘Married’, and changed her last name. It’s always strange when people change their last names, takes a while to get used to.

I’m happy for her, but then I also felt a bit sad for myself. I don’t think I will ever have that.
I’ve always told my mum that I’m going to run away and elope. ‘Go for it, saves me paying for your wedding.’ she would reply. I don’t think she means it though. I think she’d be a bit mad really.

My mum got engaged at 19, she left a note on the table for her parents.
Got engaged, gone down the pub
They weren’t too impressed. She always said she wouldn’t marry a farmer. Didn’t turn out that way.

My sisters having a traditional wedding, at the church where we were Christened, and where my parents and both aunties got married. She’s having the reception at a castle. And a horse drawn carriage. Typical ~~spoilt brat~~ princess wedding.

Mr Married Man, is of course, slightly put off marriage. He says he married her to try and fix their relationship, which is just plain stupid really. It didn’t fix it, and now he’s trapped.

One out of Two first marriages ends in divorce, I find that suprisingly high! Do a lot of people rush into it?

I would love to someday have a husband and be a Mrs, but somehow, if I took his last name it would feel tainted knowing someone else had it before me. I guess I could say that about the whole relationship though.

Still need that divorce first.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Dec26

Merry Christmas everyone!

Completely at the point where Christmas is just boring. Its just another day. But with some pretty presents to make you smile.

As my sisters family don’t come over until 4pm as her fiancé is working, we go to the pub at lunchtime. Sounds good right? Everyone’s in the festive spirit and buying rounds, no money needed
Would be great, apart from I used to work at the pub. I dated my manager for over a year. He treated me like shit, and I couldn’t escape him as I liked to go socialise in the local pub. I also worked at the nursery in the village and if I broke up with him he would leave notes on my car and always text me or turn up at my house.
He was in a lot of debt, lived at home still, lost his driving licence to drink driving, didnt own a passport and was a dealer. These things I didn’t find out til later. Oh, and the drinking cider from dusk til dawn (insisting this isn’t alcoholism?)
He also had a lot of insecurities. I wasn’t allowed to text my friends, or go out with them. He threw my phone against the wall so it smashed. I had to drive us everywhere. He never gave me any petrol money or said thank you. I always had to go see him, he would never come to me. (unless begging for me back)
I finished him numerous times, but he would worm his way back in. If I went to his parents house to get my things, he locked the doors and wouldn’t let me out. Trap me in his room and not let me out until I agreed to get back with him.
London was my escape, few days before I left I put all his things in a bin bag, made him come to my house so he couldn’t trap me and told him it was over. That was it. I ran away, but it was all I could do.

The thing with living in the country is that people don’t like you leaving. They told me I wouldn’t like London, that I wouldn’t fit in. Honestly, I don’t fit in, in the country!

I came back earlier in the year and I went to the pub with my friend. I wasn’t yet forgiven for leaving. The pub landlady glared at me and disappered, the landlord barely spoke to me, and the ex ignored me. I later had a text saying ‘Thursday wasn’t fair’ at 3am. I didn’t have the number. What wasn’t fair? ‘It wasn’t fair’. Then I realised it was the ex.

Today I survived. I put on my new dress and heels and drank as many drinks as I could flutter my eyelashes at the men. His parents and brother were there. I knew I should talk to them. I couldn’t bring myself to it. I spoke to both the landlady and landlord and they were fine with me this time (possibly just both very drunk). The ex was behind the bar. Thankfully all my drinks were brought to me.

As we got home, I looked at my mum. give it a few minutes. She looked at me confused. My phone beeped, here we go. The ex.

‘I’m sorry for not even saying hello to you today I just cudnt bring maself to look at you wud just make me cry sorry’

I’ve been gone 10 months, and he still can’t look at me without crying. I either completely broke his heart, or he’s just really pathetic. Most likely the latter.

I replied with what my mum told me to write (because otherwise I would have probably been a bit more harsh) but generally just wished him and his family a merry Christmas. I thought he would leave it at that.

A miss u so much

I didn’t reply

8 hours later..

I’m sorry I eva hurt you

I’m still not replying.

I deleted his number when I left. I do not see why he hasn’t done the same.

I told Mr Married Man that I have to see my ex on Christmas day. He asked how it went, so I told him what he text me. sounds like he’s still really into you. He prob realises now what he’s lost… Too late I’m all yours, don’t worry I’m not worried, I know you love me <3

I’m expecting a few more pointless texts in the early hours.

I’m now happy in a relationship with Mr Married Man. Not quite as perfect as it could be, but it will be. I miss him. Hopefully next Christmas I will be sharing with him, not the glares from the ex.

I hope your Christmasses were more fun than mine!

She Must Be Drunk

Dec24

Everyone always said the relationship between sisters gets better when you’re older. That all the fighting and bickering stops once they move out and that you will actually miss them and talk more.

My sister is older. So my whole childhood was spent being hit by her, emotionally abused, and as she was older and therefor apparently cooler, she would steal my friends. When my friends did come around she would try and embarrass me, or them. She once poured water over one of my friends, and didn’t stop there. She then poured flour over them. In their hair and everything. How pathetic.

She moved out at 21, and I moved out a few months later at 19. We don’t speak much, and when we do, it’s just sarcastic comments from her to try and bring me down.

We went to see a tribute band last night, there were 19 of us in total. She ignored me the whole evening, and sat with her arms folded looking miserable. She’s always been like that.

I used to be quiet, because my family always interrupt me when I speak. So I gave up. So I came back home loud and confident, and within a day, I’m back to my quiet insecure self. Wait a minute, when did you start talking?! You normally sit there quiet said my dads friend. So it was a noticeable difference. My mum wasn’t in the room at the time, she came in later. He asked me a question, I started replying and she spoke over me and answered. THAT is exactly why I used to be quiet I said above her. I can’t get a bloody word in usually

Because I used to be quiet, when I spoke people didnt hear me so I would get ignored. I was used to this. Last night I asked my sister a question across the table. She ignored me. On purpose. I don’t think she heard you, Sweetie said the lady next to me. My sister looked at her, smirked, said I did and then went back to ignoring me. She’s just ignorant I replied.

‘Angels’ was sang, the singler got everyone in the room to stand up, hold hands and sway. Everyone but my sister got up. She then escaped to the ladies. On her return I grabbed her to join in. Instead of holding hands she made fists. I was holding her fist. Like she was a stubborn little child crossing the road. I tried to make it hands, she refused, so for the rest of the so I held her wrist.

I spoke about her wedding to the lady next to me. I’m the head bridesmaid, and I know nothing about the wedding as my sister doesn’t speak to me. I’m meant to organise her a hen party, when I know none of her friends or anything which is happening. I can’t do it. Whatever I do will be wrong. The tears started rolling down my face. I looked at my sister. She smiled. Not in a nice way, more in a ‘I’m happy you’re crying’ way. So up I got to dance, with tears pouring down my face.

When she left, she said bye to the lady next to me, ignored me, and went. Cue more tears and everyone staring at me. It is a boy? one asked, I shook my head unable to talk. Even my Dad came over to see what was the matter. I must have been a right state if he actually bothered to get off his chair. My mums input was not allowing me anymore wine. In my family you’re not allowed to cry, and I was. Therefore the alcohol was to blame of course. But it wasn’t. I’m sober and still crying now. I returned home with make up all down my face, sobbing in the back of a mini bus.

Three hours with my sister and she broke me. I want to go back to London now. One day here was enough. I don’t think I will ever feel the Christmas spirit this year

Send Me Some Christmas Cheer?

Dec18

I’m in need of a bit of Christmas cheer, a good carol, or some Christmas fairy lights.

I feel like I’m living in Scrooge’s house. As I have mentioned before, I don’t own the house. And whilst I’m going home for Christmas, someone else is staying in my room, so I can’t decorate it either. This also means I have to hide everything, and leave it in a nice state. Easier said than done.

I’m at home for Christmas, so this means moping about in the middle of no where, on my own. The worst thing about Christmas is being single? It’s not. The worst thing about Christmas is having someone I love, and knowing Mr Married Man is playing happy families whilst I’m on my own telling everyone I’m single.

Then there’s my sister. She has never liked me, I took some of the attention from her when I was a baby and she has never forgiven me for this. So now she’s engaged with her own baby. She has never liked children. The baby was an ‘accident’. She loves the attention from having a baby, and her wedding. But puts little effort into either. She is already on about a second child, and this drives me crazy.

I know I sound jealous, I’m not, I’m happy for her. Does she have everything I want? Yes. But she went to Uni, and has her career as well. I never wanted that. I want to be a SAHM, and one day I shall be.

So to survive the Christmas holidays, I better find a lot of Christmas cheer, and soon. Luckily for me, I have great friends back home who will certainly cheer me up. For now, I need to finish my xmas shopping and get the presents wrapped. If you find any magical christmas dust, send it my way please!

Dirty Little Whispers

Seductive Secrets

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