If They Could See Me Now

Apr4

My friends
If you could see me now
You would not know
Not recognise me
From long ago

Bags under my eyes
Not from a great night out
Tossing and turning
The waking in the dreams

Tears roll down my cheek
From untold pains
Not the laughter you know me for
Til I can’t hold them in

The innuendos I once whispered
Into your ears cheekily
They are no more
Whispers of self doubt

The echoing giggles
Now only in my mind
Laughing at failure
Not joyous times

Friends, if you could see
What has happened
The truth behind
The broken smiles
Would you still be here for me?

Bitch

Mar2

My friend called me a bitch.

She says I’m a bitch to Mr Married Man.

She says there’s no wonder he hasn’t left his wife for me.

I don’t think I’m a bitch. And I don’t think I’m a bitch to him.

We had an argument last night, I don’t even know how. He starts the arguments, he insists that it’s all my fault. I still don’t see how it’s my fault, and I didn’t even argue. I just expressed my side.

I am stubborn. I never used to be, it’s a new trait I have gained. I’m guessing this is what makes me a bitch. Anxiety makes me stubborn. It has a hold on me. It creates routines. Just like my taxi’s home. I could happily get the tube and a bus home, but when I first went out, I had a taxi home. Now I always need a taxi home.

Sometimes though, I do like to have my own way. Mr Married Man will actually happily do what it is I want to, so really he’s quite nice…does that make me a bitch? Most of the time I just want to stay in bed though

He Said, She Said

Feb2

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while. I just though I’d give myself the chance to think about what to do, to assess the situation.

I needed to work out what I really wanted.

This is easier said than done.

I didn’t go see Mr Married Man last weekend. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

We had three days with no contact to give ourselves some ‘space’.

This was a lot harder for me than I thought. I had spoke to him every day since summer, even in the week when he finished me and went to Italy, he still emailed me everyday.

He was respecting that I said no dating until after his divorce and trying to be just ‘friends’ until then.

I went out, but I wouldn’t let other men near me. It didnt feel right, and I felt uncomfortable. I cried before I went to sleep each night, and cried in the morning. I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening. I tried.

I wasn’t coping, and back to thinking things I didn’t want to think.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some crazy lady when it comes to break ups. I can accept when it’s over, unlike my ex’s, so I had no intention of locking Mr Married Man up and throwing away the key.

I never once guilt tripped him, or begged for him back. I left it as it was. Friends.

Friends doesn’t work for me.

I’m one of these all or nothing kind of people. Being in the middle was just killing me. I couldn’t supress me feelings, and not talk about ‘us’. It wasn’t doing me any good mentally.

He was stronger than me, he said we had to be friends and that’s how it should stay until he gets a divorce as that’s what we had decided. He said I had to talk about other things than ‘us’. But I couldn’t. It was all that was on my mind.

I was still gaining my independence back. It took me long enough to find it by moving to London, and I’m quite ashamed that I lost it. Well, the anxiety stole it from me. So I’m stealing it back, slowly.

I was stuck in limbo with him. I hate limbo. I can’t even limbo, I fall over.

You can’t have some sort of dodgy half way relationship, he told me, I get it. You’re torn.

It was Head vs Heart vs Conscience vs Depression.

Now that’s a confusing mix for anyone.

I sat sobbing for a few hours, with tears all down my cheeks, and snot smeared across tissues. Very attractive.

So I said it, let’s just date then. I can’t just be friends.

The tears stopped. I calmed down, and felt a lot better.

But you said no dating until I’m divorced? he said. And you said Goodbye, and I mean for good. I replied.

Go ahead, make a fool of yourself, then maybe you’ll listen to your conscience. – Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)

Love Makes The World Go Round

Jan13

I can say I love Mr Married Man. That’s easy. And my friends, I love them to pieces, every single one of them.

But my family. Now that’s a bit different.

You don’t hear the word ‘love’ in my family, unless it’s in the context You alright, love?

I have never heard my parents tell each other they love it other, or that they love me.

My aunties will say it to me, and I’ll wipe the tears off my face as they do.

I rang my Grandparents earlier, I used to phone them often when I first moved away, but soon ran out of things to talk about. She was suprised to hear from me. After saying goodbye like a hundred times, why do they make it so difficult to get off the phone? she said ‘Love you’. I paused… then hung up.

My sister has hated me since I was born. All through my childhood she has drilled this into my head at every opportunity possible. I’ve tried with her on several occasions, she is just impossible to get on with. Like my mother.
I spoke to my auntie the other day, and even she said how my sister is turning into my mother and she’s not the only one who thinks it either.

Now my sisters had a baby, my mum dotes on her. She has never liked babies, but now she’s cooing and aahing and spoiling her little granddaughter. Now when my sister and the baby leaves, my mum will go outside, give them both a big hug, say she loves them and stand and wave them off.

When I went home my boss’s wrote a Christmas card to my parents and added a note saying how I’m doing a wonderful job and that they should be proud of me. I didn’t know they had written this. My dad shouted me in the kitchen.

Now then, it’s one thing forging a Christmas card from your bosses, but the cheek to add in this note as well!
I looked at him confused. He showed me the card.
[To my mum] Have you seen this?
Yep.
Have you seen what it said?
Yes.
He looked at her disappointed.
I am really proud of you Then he gave me a hug.
I squirmed off to the other room to wipe my tears.

They say blood is thicker than water. But in the case of my mother and my sister, they may be thicker, but my water is more supportive and know me better than anyone.

Maybe in a few years when my family say they love me, I will be able to say it back. But for now, it’s too little too late.

Trust

Jan5

Everything is based on trust. If you trusted no one, you would be very iscolated. I trust everyone. I am far too trusting at times. But as soon as you break that trust, it’s gone. It will take a long long time to get it anywhere as near as it was before.

So I trust Mr Married Man 100%. And you. Yes, you too. Not you though. I trust my friends as well, I love them all to pieces. Something like this helps you tell them apart, from the ones who will give me advice when I need it and be discrete, to the ones who shout out to everyone in the pub ‘She’s shagging a married man!’ several times.

Of course I have my doubts at times about Mr Married Man. Little insecurities that nag away at me, little thoughts I should’t have. Doesn’t everyone? I can ignore them though.

But this lack of self control on Monday got to me. He lied to me. He said he would pull out, but when it came to it (excuse the pun!), he didn’t.

Aww, you’re shaking! Come back to bed baby
*gets in bed*
Are you cold?
I’m not shaking because I’m cold
Why are you shaking then?.. Oi… Why are you shaking?… Talk to me… What are you thinking?
I’m thinking breathe in, breathe out
What? What are you thinking really?
I’m thinking about breathing!

If I panic, I start shaking. If I start shaking, I forget to breathe. It sounds ridiculous I know. How can someone forget to breathe, right? I have to focus on my breathing to stop shaking and calm down. What panicked me more was that I started shaking in the first place. I never wanted that to happen ever again.

This started with my ex. (Ghosts Of Christmas Past)
It was the emotional things I couldn’t hack. I’ve put up with a lot of rubbish from my family, but from someone who was meant to love me, I couldn’t handle it. That’s when the shaking began.
It stopped when I moved away.

I was mad with myself for shaking. I didn’t want to shake. I couldn’t hide it. I also didn’t want to be in this position again. Back to The Morning After The Afternoon Before. That was last week, last year. I didn’t want to go back there. He offered to get me it. I knew he didn’t want to though. I declined.

I Do

Jan3

I just had a quick look on Facebook. I hate Facebook. I hate spending so much time looking at what people I don’t care about are up to. But I’ve just seen a girl I used to work with in the country got married today. She looked beautiful. She changed her status from ‘Engaged’ to ‘Married’, and changed her last name. It’s always strange when people change their last names, takes a while to get used to.

I’m happy for her, but then I also felt a bit sad for myself. I don’t think I will ever have that.
I’ve always told my mum that I’m going to run away and elope. ‘Go for it, saves me paying for your wedding.’ she would reply. I don’t think she means it though. I think she’d be a bit mad really.

My mum got engaged at 19, she left a note on the table for her parents.
Got engaged, gone down the pub
They weren’t too impressed. She always said she wouldn’t marry a farmer. Didn’t turn out that way.

My sisters having a traditional wedding, at the church where we were Christened, and where my parents and both aunties got married. She’s having the reception at a castle. And a horse drawn carriage. Typical ~~spoilt brat~~ princess wedding.

Mr Married Man, is of course, slightly put off marriage. He says he married her to try and fix their relationship, which is just plain stupid really. It didn’t fix it, and now he’s trapped.

One out of Two first marriages ends in divorce, I find that suprisingly high! Do a lot of people rush into it?

I would love to someday have a husband and be a Mrs, but somehow, if I took his last name it would feel tainted knowing someone else had it before me. I guess I could say that about the whole relationship though.

Still need that divorce first.

All Dressed Up And No Place To Go

Dec31

Caution: Contains grumpiness

It’s New Years Eve. Or so I’m told. Quite frankly, I lost count of what day’s what ages ago. Just a blur. I know I should be out celebrating though, and I’m not. I don’t feel like I have anything to celebrate.

The last year has been a bit surreal, and I welcome the new year, I do.

Mr Married Man keeps saying that 2012 will be our year, that we will get everything sorted out and be together. So this is they year the secrets start to come out, a careful puzzle piece at a time to build up an ideal picture to everyone else, and only we will know about the cracks in it.

He’s away at the moment with his wife at a wedding, and won’t be back until tomorrow. So ‘our year’ and he’s spending it with his wife. Our year, yeah right. Not a great start to it.

I didn’t mind that he’s away as I was going out with the girls. But the one organising it has decided to stay with her family longer so is out of London. I rang round my other friends and they’re all staying in with their families too. I couldn’t want to get away from my family, they bring out all my insecurities and make me into a crumbling wreck.
I can’t wait until I have my own family.

As soon as I got back to London I saw Mr Married Man, and every day since. But today is the day I wanted him most. Who am I meant to kiss at Midnight now?

I’m fed up of being grumpy now. So in 2012 I’m going to be positive. Ish. For a while perhaps. I’ll try, I promise.

Friends

Dec27

I saw my lovely friends from home this week, my saviours from my family. Of course, our chats are all about sex and relationships. You can tell I’ve been gone. One friend put her jaw out from giving blow jobs and looked at me very confused as I explained that you’re meant to use your hand as well. Another said his girlfriend tried to put her legs on his shoulders whilst having sex stood up as they’d seen on the karma sutra cards I gave them last Christmas, so I suggested they tried it laying down. Sometimes I do wonder about my friends!

Trying to explain the Married Man situation was difficult. I know how crazy it sounds myself, so explaining it is impossible.

he’ll leave you and move onto the next girl he likes, if he’s cheating on her he’ll cheat on you

I know they’re just worried about me, but this really isn’t like that. I think theres a difference between cheating, and just moving on. If he was still with his wife and having sex with her, I’d keep away.

I said what my friend said to Mr Married Man, hoping he’d set them straight. I love you so be nice beeeeatchs :p <3

This didn’t go down well. he loves you? Hasn’t it only been like 2 months?! Geez, you fall for anything that gives you compliments don’t you?

I couldn’t exactly reply with, ‘oh no, we’re really serious, we’re gonna get engaged, have a baby and live together’… Woudnt go down too well either.
I do really love him though. I thought I was crazy too. No one loves someone this soon. But then I thought, if you’re with someone for months, how can you not know sooner? I’m not saying it was love at first sight, but after a month I was cuddled up to him with him kissing my head and I just thought ‘I love him’. I didn’t say it then obviously, I put it off as much as I could until one day I burst. Call me naive all you like, as I’m 12 years younger than him, but he felt the same. He said he felt stupid to have thought that he was in love with his wife as he didn’t feel as happy as he does now and has such strong feelings for me. So I’m not just the crazy one.

My friends are still adjusting to the ‘married’ part, so anything else would be too much for them. Only one knows the true story, and is allowed to read this blog. It’s a bit scary her seeing an insight into the honest truth, but reassuring at the same time.

I may tell them a bit more as time goes on, but at the moment, my family don’t even know I’m seeing anyone, and I don’t want them to find out.

Do Men Ever Grow Up?

Dec21

Men are actually infuriating.

Mr Married Man has spat his dummy out again. It’s actually rather hard to have an argument on BBM. I get his messages, but mine send with a 20 minute delay. So he doesn’t get my replies for 20 minutes. And then it decided to send them in the wrong order. Or not at all. Yay. Blackberry, I hate you.

I like to speak my mind, because otherwise I will have something stuck in my mind, and it will grow into something completely insane. So I said it. Somtimes it seems like you only want me for a baby. Everything just seems to be about a baby nowadays. He replied I want you, and I want us to be together, and because of that I want us to have a baby IF you do too Good answer. But he couldn’t just stop there. This turned into the most hurtful thing I had ever said to him apparently. That I was accusing him. That I had called him some weirdo. That I’m horrible to him. That I have too many doubts and concerns about him and his motivations. Motivations? It sounds like a murder enquiry now.

Mr Married Man has now decided May if far too soon, and 2013 is the earliest a baby is going to happen. Notice I said Mr Married Man has decided. I don’t even get a say in this anymore.

At least he thinks we’ll still be together in 2013. That’s a long way away.
But if I’m so horrible to him, then why would he want to be with me?

I wanted to finish my Christmas shopping finished this morning. I only have until tomorrow morning, then I’m pretty much screwed. I can’t face going out yet though, I’m all puffy eyed. Not attractive. I also need to pack for going home.

I just want to crawl back into bed and start the day again. I don’t wish for it to be tomorrow, because time is needed at the moment. Christmas has crept up on me, and I don’t like it one bit.

I hate crying still, it’s pointless. But at least it shows I care more about this than I thought.

I asked my friend a question:

This morning I had a loving boyfriend who wanted to have a family with me and give me everything I could ever want. Am I crazy for wanting a baby with him, or crazy for throwing it all away?

The reply

Love makes people do crazy things, Mistress Mummy. It’s not something I can answer, its for you to decide. You need to decide if he makes you happy more than he makes you sad

I can’t find the comment, but someone else also suggested I write a list of Pro’s and Con’s. I saw this done on an episode of Friends. Ross did it about Rachel. She found it, and it didn’t end well. So I’m slightly put off that idea.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what he decides yet

November

Nov30

November is a pretty strange time to start a blog. Well I think so anyway. I would love to have started it in the new year, but I would have forgotten what I was going to write. Or started it in Spetember, but then I would have nothing to write.

Here’s my November:

Saw my best friends who I hadn’t seen in six months

I miss my friends, a lot. So I was very excited when I got to see them again on bonfire night and showed that they still love me even though I moved away. No one can ever replace them and I look forward to seeing them again at Christmas!

Became a Godmother to my gorgeous little niece

I recently became an Auntie! And now I have to show her the christian way… Erm… ‘Do as I say, and not as I do’ shall definitely be my motto for her!

Had a birthday

Yes, yes. Although I love to deny it. I’m getting old. Now where did I put that zimmer frame?

Worked twelve days straight

There is nothing more shattering than losing your weekend, oh no wait, that would be working 24/12 wouldn’t it? Yep, that was definitely an exhausting time!

Dated a man for a month without scaring him away

I tried, but there’s just no shaking him off yet.

Started this blog

Well, good thing he’s still around or I’d have nothing to write about

Bought a bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding

This day caused a lot of argument, disagreements, and cost me a fortune in picture messages, texts and phone calls. Oh, and the dress that cost £400! My sister better bloody like this dress I bought, not that she had much say in it.

Visited Winter Wonderland

I took the kids to the Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park. Paid a fortune for rides, and watched the toddler cry at Santa (Please leave her on the ‘nice’ list!)

Lets see what next month brings!

Dirty Little Whispers

Seductive Secrets

Tag Archives: friends