Tag Archives: heart

I Can’t Cry

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Do you ever get to the point where you’re so mad, angry, confused, stressed and frustrated that you can’t express it? I want to scream, cry and hit things. I feel like an empty shell, sat in silence unable to speak, and unable to work out what on earth I’m thinking.

I want to be able to cry my heart out, but my heart doesn’t know what it wants anymore, so I can’t.

As I just wrote that, I mentioned to Mr Married Man that I don’t think he’ll get a divorce (that’s what you’ve all been telling me, right?), he replied I will, I’d hate this long term – I couldn’t not i continued, I don’t think you’ll ever dare bring it up with her. SInce I’ve answered it once I won’t again, you can think that, and if you do, you should end it between us

So I sat, still an empty shell. I could end it right now, escape this crazy love and find someone else.

I just couldn’t do it though.

A tear rolled down my cheek, at the thought of leaving him. That was my heart fighting through and telling me to stay. My heart think’s he’s worth it, so we will have to see.

Little Words

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Okay, I did something naughty. Very naughty indeed. I said something I probably shouldn’t have. after all, it’s not even been two months yet. But I said it nevertheless. Actually, I didn’t say it. I’m a bit of a wuss really (for lack of a better word). I BBM’d it. Which is even worse.

I’m in love with you

Oops.

I didn’t just blurt it out like that, it was in a bit of an essay as to why I don’t want a baby right now. He replied You’re in love with me?! Have you ever said that to anyone before? And my instant reaction was ah, shit. I didn’t say that of course. Quite frankly I was hoping he would ignore that part and reply to the other bit. Then he said something else I’m in love with you too, I was just waiting for a non-BBM time to say it <3 Ah, shit.

Now we’ve said it, I feel like I’ve made things 100 times worse. He complains I never say anything deep and meaningful, so I did, and now I feel worse for it. This is why I keep my mouth shut. I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy like I should do, I feel hollow. It’s because I can’t have him. No matter how many times he says he’s mine, and no one elses, I know it’s not true, because really he’s hers.

Do you love her? I asked, fearing the answer. I love her as a dear friend, we’ve been through a lot together, but I’m not in love with her like I’m in love with you. It was exactly what I’d hoped he’d say. And also hoped he hadn’t said it because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. I pushed further, Is she in love with you? I don’t know. Now that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Shit. How the hell can he not know?! I was hoping for a definite no, that was what I was lead to believe, he had said previously how he thought she was seeing someone else, how they hardly speak, and don’t have sex. So how can he say he doesn’t know if she’s still in love with him? Actions speak louder than words, and by the sounds of it, they have no action.

So now, I’m going to once again ignore my heart, and go back to my head