Tag Archives: life

Honey

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Hello.

I’m back. I need to be back.

Oh sorry to disappoint you, you thought you were rid of me right?

I’m trying to sort my life out now.

I’ve done a few changes in the last 2 weeks. The main ones being finishing mr married man and cutting communication, telling my family and friends about the depression, seeing my family two weeks in a row (normally only at Christmas) and speaking to my bosses about time off for counselling.

I also went to the hen party which I was adamant I wasn’t going to go to. But I think that needs a post of its own ;)

Now to get my social life back. Damn, whats a social life?

I’m going clubbing Friday night and have a date Saturday night. Remember when I got a little bit too drunk?It’s with that guy ;) so I’m not going to get my hopes up here! I need to do something Sunday, or I’ll mope. I need to keep busy.

Other than that, I don’t know where to go from there. Any ideas?

Sorry!

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Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, this depression things messed me up a bit. I swear I was better before going to the doctor!

I will finish my a-z challenge, I loved doing that! But in my own time. Part of this depression thing is losing interest in things you enjoy. I thought I’d managed to miss that symptom bit unfortunately my blogging took the hit.

I’m handing in my resignation on Monday. I’ve never done this before so I’m a bit scared!
This also leaves me homeless, as I live with my job.

That’s just ridiculous right? Giving up my income, and home just for NHS counselling.

Luckily my Auntie is taking me in, she has 3 kids already and her husband made redundant looking for work also.
I don’t know how we’re going to afford it.

I haven’t seen Mr MM in two weeks. Yesterday he told me he doesn’t want a baby with me or to live with me.

So yep, verge of breakdown here.

I don’t think screwed even begins to describe this. All because of some stupid disease.

Wish me luck!

Happy Pills

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I went to the Doctors today.

Okay, I had to go. I ran out of pills and as usual I left it til the last possible chance to get some more. .. and then had an hours wait! Another reason I hate the Doctors.

I had my bloodpressure check, he said I could have another perscription. There. Done Sorted. I wanted to run, but I didn’t.

I reached into my handbag and pulled out my spider diagram. Oh no wait, that’s not politically correct anymore is it. Thought cloud. I put it on the table. I want to talk about this too. I had wrote down all the things linked to my depression.

That was it, the tears were streaming down my face. I knew this would happen, that’s why I wrote it. I cry then can’t talk.

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, we had a chat and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I wanted drugs. He said I need counselling and the only way I can get that is if I leave my job and that is something I really need to think about. Whether I want to get better.

I got the drugs.

It’s not easy to leave my job, I live here. It’s all I have in London. I have no where else to go.

Apart from Mr MM.

Maybe I’ll look like this lady soon

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Life’s Too Short

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The ever so gorgeous @MotherVenting left me a comment which included ‘Life’s too short’.

This got me thinking, a lot.

My gran always used to say Always wear clean knickers, just incase you get hit by a bus. Good advice that is.

I could get hit by a bus tomorow, or a granny in a 4×4 on a zebra crossing. Seriously. Why slow down and lure me into that false sense of security of being able to cross… and then carry on and give me the evil looks?!

So I’m having a midlife crisis. Maybe, I’ve already had my midlife crisis. Goodness knows. Who know’s when your midlife is going to be? Can you really have a midlife crisis at say 40, if you then die at 41? It’s all a con. To make you buy more alcohol, and do crazy things like bungee jump. But anyway..

I’m still stuck in this horrible situation. I love him, he loves me, blah blah blah. I said I didn’t want to talk to him until he was single, that we’d sort it out then. This was easy to say. Easy to believe. Easy for me to go pull other men. He’s still always on my mind. I made the mistake of talking to him again. Now I’m thinking lifes too short. What if I die before he gets a divorce? What ifs.. dangerous questions.

He only finishes me on messages, we only argue on messages. I’m going to see him this week. To talk properly. If we’d done that before we wouldn’t have split up and we both know that. That’s whats killing me. I’m mad at him for breaking up with me, and I’m mad with myself for letting him.

Gone To Waste

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My mind is confused. Lost you would say.
It’s not as clear as a summers day
There’s a bitter breeze thats flowing by
Making me question to live or to die.

A silly question, of course, I know
Only deers give life, so the story does go
This would just be a life gone to waste
For now there’s nothing, no reason to haste.

A thought lingering at the back of my mind
Desperate soul on a search to find
What I seek, I have no clue
What will stop me feeling so blue?

A cuddle and love is not quite enough
Is it true, or shall I call your bluff?
I need to look further, deep inside
Find my voice, tell it not to hide

I know I think, what I need to do
Now I just need to see it though
Be strong myself, have no fear
If only I were to adhere

The Fairytale

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So far I’ve achieved what I want. I’ve moved out from home, far far away (albeit into someone else’s family home) I have a lovely boyfriend (Well, someone else’s husband) I’ve bought a gorgeous princess dress for when I get to walk down the aisle (as a bridesmaid) and I spend the days looking after children (not mine).

The basis of the fairytale is there, just not quite as I would like it!

I have pretty much cheated as to every aspect of ‘growing up’. Nothing I have is my own that I have achieved, I’m just a small piece of everyone else’s life.

So now I’m going to have to start taking these aspects and sort them out to make them my own. I want to have my own fairytale, not just be the pumpkin that turns into the carriage in someone else’s, because after midnight it’s all going to fall apart. I can’t stay like this forever.

Now I’ve realised this though, I’m not one of these people who can just wait around. I don’t want to be wasting my life away waiting to see if the glass slipper fits. For now that’s all I can do though, and be mad at myself for taking so many shortcuts. There is no fairy Godmother, I got myself into this situation and now I need to sort it out. Now, where’s my magic wand? Bippety-boppety-boo!

My Story

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If you think mistress’s are horrible, man stealing, whorish bitches who are so disgusting they can’t find their own men, then yes, I would have to say at some point I would have to agree with you. I absolutely hate the idea. And part of me hates myself for getting in this situation. Okay, a big part.

I have friends who have stolen others boyfriends, and I’ve hated them for it. Of all the fish in the sea, why steal someone elses? This has also lead to other friends trying to commit suicide and a whole big mess. It’s horrible, heart breaking, and unfortunately to some worth trying to take your life.

Now I have a bit of a habit for dating complete dicks who treat me like shit and force all their insecurities on me. I don’t date them on purpose, you just don’t realise how much of a mess you’re in til afterwards.

This is pretty much what happened again in this case, although the guy isn’t a complete dick, as of yet.

I knew he was married. He was open about this from the start. We chatted online for months, nothing serious, just a bit of flirting. There was absolutely no intention of ‘stealing’ this guy at all. We got on quite well and he invited me out for drinks one night. As I was new to the city, I had joined a site which meant I was meeting new random people off the internet each week just to be friends and meet new people in the same boat as me. It wasn’t some shady kind of dating, just going out for drinks, seeing the city and then onto a club, nothing more. So meeting one more wasn’t going to hurt.

We met at a bar in the city. I had never been in the actual business part of the city before so felt completely out of place in my short dress and heels with everyone else in suits. Needless to say I stood out slighty. I just did not belong. After a few cocktails we went to a champagne bar. It was dead. Completely.

You know those scenes in the cheesy movie where the guy stretches and puts his arm around the girl? Yeah, he did that. I thought ‘he’s married, he’s married, he’s married… what the hell is he doing’. I sat further forwards and sipped the champagne wondering how on earth I ended up here.

The bar shut early, after he paid the ridiculously expensive bill, we grabbed a taxi and headed to my favourite club in the west end. Much more in my comfort zone. We seated at a discrete table where no one could see us to continue our drinks, and this is where it all went wrong. We were sat in a corner, with my legs crossed away from him and I had kept my jacket on as I was warming up from the minute walk from the taxi to inside the club. His hands started to wander up my legs. I glared at him as they did so. ‘You’re married, stop it’.He looked back disappointed, ‘Alright, if you don’t want me to’. A few minutes later his hands were wondering again, up my legs, under my jacket and he was getting closer to me. I moved my head away, he tried again. ‘No’ I said, getting quite annoyed. ‘Sorry, I just can’t resist, you look amazing’. I reminded him again ‘You’re married’. He looked at me, a little embarrassed. ‘We’re not together, I told her it was over months ago’. That was all it took for me to kiss him back. That’s how this little story all began.

Welcome to my life.