I know, you’re busy
With her by your side
No thoughts of me
Kills me inside
I want you here
Selfish, I know
You’re hers for now
She is my foe
Holding in the tears
As you mention her name
I know, it’s your life
Hurts all the same
I need you with me
You say you will go
Can’t do this much longer
You love me, I know
I like to get a taxi home from the city. I don’t like standing in the cold waiting for buses when I could be in my warm bed.
I, of course, pay for my own taxis and refuse to take Mr married mans money. This got to the point where we once had a money fight as I got out and tries to give me back the money I have for the taxi an I threw it back at him several times. I’m stubborn.
Wise to this, he gave the taxi driver the money first last night before I got in the taxi. I will pay him back at some point.
As I got in the taxi, the driver handed me the twenty pound note.
Who’s that then, your boyfriend?
Yes
He loves you he does, I can tell. That’s nice that is. That he gave you the money for the taxi.
I told him not to, I replied.
Ah but he did anyway. That’s what loves about.
He then went on to tell me his life story, and more about love being on the inide what counts and so on.
He was on his second wife.
This always surprises me, the amount of people who are on their second marriage.
On my dads side of the family, I’ve actually lost count of the amount of times my aunt and uncle have remarried.
On my mums side, they’re all still married to their first partners.
So I completely see both sides of this.
I do wonder if a lot of people rush into getting married. Although of course, some marriages just don’t work out, or you grow apart.
Marriage doesn’t really appeal to me. I’d rather have a fabulous diamond on my finger, and the promise of being together always. I don’t like fancy big weddings, and the thought of people staring at me as I walk down then aisle scares me. My dad nearly fainted at his wedding. I think I’d be the same.
Maybe I’ll change my mind about this one day, but I doubt it.
My parents are paying for the majority of my sisters wedding. I just told her I’m not getting married, so can I have the cheque now please? She laughed and said no. Damn. This is like me missing out on money as I didn’t go to uni. Good thing I’m not all about the money like my sister, she knows I was joking about the cheque and can support myself without replying on others. Same parents, different upbringings.
Today Mr Married Man asked me if I feel guilty.
I know I should, but honestly. Not really. I feel sorry for her, for the situatuion they’re in, and that they haven’t done anything to resolve it.
Mr Married Man said he had suggested Marriage Counselling to her before, but she refused. He is now going to insist that they go before the divorce.
I’m always intrigued as to what his wife is like. Wouldn’t you be too? I will always ask questions about her, and I think he gets a bit upset talking about her sometimes.
I know I shouldn’t ask, I’m just curious. I want to know if we’re similar, or completely different. Personality, looks.
We were talking about naturally good looking celebrities, I suggested Britney Spears. My wife looks a bit like Britney Spears he said. She must be really pretty then! She hasn’t got her figure though, she’s put on a few pounds he replied, then looked at me. Do you want a nose job now? Yes please.
I just had a quick look on Facebook. I hate Facebook. I hate spending so much time looking at what people I don’t care about are up to. But I’ve just seen a girl I used to work with in the country got married today. She looked beautiful. She changed her status from ‘Engaged’ to ‘Married’, and changed her last name. It’s always strange when people change their last names, takes a while to get used to.
I’m happy for her, but then I also felt a bit sad for myself. I don’t think I will ever have that.
I’ve always told my mum that I’m going to run away and elope. ‘Go for it, saves me paying for your wedding.’ she would reply. I don’t think she means it though. I think she’d be a bit mad really.
My mum got engaged at 19, she left a note on the table for her parents.
Got engaged, gone down the pub
They weren’t too impressed. She always said she wouldn’t marry a farmer. Didn’t turn out that way.
My sisters having a traditional wedding, at the church where we were Christened, and where my parents and both aunties got married. She’s having the reception at a castle. And a horse drawn carriage. Typical spoilt brat princess wedding.
Mr Married Man, is of course, slightly put off marriage. He says he married her to try and fix their relationship, which is just plain stupid really. It didn’t fix it, and now he’s trapped.
One out of Two first marriages ends in divorce, I find that suprisingly high! Do a lot of people rush into it?
I would love to someday have a husband and be a Mrs, but somehow, if I took his last name it would feel tainted knowing someone else had it before me. I guess I could say that about the whole relationship though.
Still need that divorce first.
I’m in need of a bit of Christmas cheer, a good carol, or some Christmas fairy lights.
I feel like I’m living in Scrooge’s house. As I have mentioned before, I don’t own the house. And whilst I’m going home for Christmas, someone else is staying in my room, so I can’t decorate it either. This also means I have to hide everything, and leave it in a nice state. Easier said than done.
I’m at home for Christmas, so this means moping about in the middle of no where, on my own. The worst thing about Christmas is being single? It’s not. The worst thing about Christmas is having someone I love, and knowing Mr Married Man is playing happy families whilst I’m on my own telling everyone I’m single.
Then there’s my sister. She has never liked me, I took some of the attention from her when I was a baby and she has never forgiven me for this. So now she’s engaged with her own baby. She has never liked children. The baby was an ‘accident’. She loves the attention from having a baby, and her wedding. But puts little effort into either. She is already on about a second child, and this drives me crazy.
I know I sound jealous, I’m not, I’m happy for her. Does she have everything I want? Yes. But she went to Uni, and has her career as well. I never wanted that. I want to be a SAHM, and one day I shall be.
So to survive the Christmas holidays, I better find a lot of Christmas cheer, and soon. Luckily for me, I have great friends back home who will certainly cheer me up. For now, I need to finish my xmas shopping and get the presents wrapped. If you find any magical christmas dust, send it my way please!
Do you ever get to the point where you’re so mad, angry, confused, stressed and frustrated that you can’t express it? I want to scream, cry and hit things. I feel like an empty shell, sat in silence unable to speak, and unable to work out what on earth I’m thinking.
I want to be able to cry my heart out, but my heart doesn’t know what it wants anymore, so I can’t.
As I just wrote that, I mentioned to Mr Married Man that I don’t think he’ll get a divorce (that’s what you’ve all been telling me, right?), he replied I will, I’d hate this long term – I couldn’t not i continued, I don’t think you’ll ever dare bring it up with her. SInce I’ve answered it once I won’t again, you can think that, and if you do, you should end it between us
So I sat, still an empty shell. I could end it right now, escape this crazy love and find someone else.
I just couldn’t do it though.
A tear rolled down my cheek, at the thought of leaving him. That was my heart fighting through and telling me to stay. My heart think’s he’s worth it, so we will have to see.
We’ve been talking about him getting a divorce recently. He brings this up 99% of the time with a long list of reasons as to why it’s difficult, the financial aspect, and the infidelity. Which I presume shall not be mentioned in the divorce. I have no idea how these things work.
I would never tell him I want him to get a divorce, I always say it is completely his decision between him and his wife. I don’t want anything to do with that. If they were happily married, I’d have stayed well away, but they weren’t really together, as he put it.
Of course I want him to though, not so that I can have him, but just so that they can move on with their lives. I don’t understand as to how you can be in a loveless, non physical relationship for a year and not think, fuck this! Surely she must want to move on as well?
Mr Married Man then referred to me as Miss Homewrecker :p. I know he’s joking, he then said There isn’t one to wreck, theres a house.
It just made me think though, why is the Mistress always the one who’s to blame? If your marriage doesn’t work out then try and fix it, if not, move on. If you break your favourite vase, would you keep the broken pieces, or go buy another one? I know it’s not that simple, but in my mind it is. There are no children involved, I wouldn’t have gone near either if there were. They’ve been married two years, and haven’t had sex in a year. Surely thats grounds for divorce enough?
