Tag Archives: stress

I Think It’s All Over..

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I think it’s all over… it is now.

Okay, needless to say today didn’t quite go as I wanted. I wanted to cry last night, to get it all out of my system and start new today. But I just couldn’t.

So this morning, I was at work for 10 minutes, and wanted to sit and cry my heart out. Not because of Mr Married Man, because of my work.

There are only so many hours a week I can cope with being shouted at
‘I hate you, you’re worthless, you’re worthless and good for nothing, you’re stupid, you’re worthless, good for nothing and stupid, you can’t do anything right, you’re a spoilt brat, thats what you are, a brat. Why do you have to ruin everything, I wish you’d just leave, idiot.

It’s like a broken record on repeat all week, wearing me down.

Mr Married Man asked how I was, We agreed yesterday we’re not talking about how I feel

Of course, he had a go at me for being so nasty with my one line reply.

To be perfecty honest, you’re doing an amazing job of being horrible and unpleasant.
Just to add to the insults I already had from before.

I thought he was going to say something positive, I’m doing an amazing job… oh. Nope, still can’t be nice.

If I’m so awful, why are you with me? I asked.

Exactly what I’m wondering for the first time. After really looking forwards to seeing you when I woke up, I’m back to thinking “why do I bother” and not at all looking forwards to the weekend. Jesus I can’t seriously believe I was talking about having a baby with you. I must’ve been fucking insane. We apparently can’t even have a fairly relaxed relationship at a distance much less living together with a baby.

The next time someone asks me how I am, I’m just going to say “fine thanks”.

You’ve been horrible, arsey and weird. I don’t like it, you’re like a different person.

Seriously, what is it with people insulting me today?

I’m sorry I’m a wreck this week. I replied I can’t cope. I want to go run into traffic.

Okay, so I probably didn’t put that the best way. But it’s how I feel. Bluntly.

I don’t understand, I love you. I just want to be with you whenever we can and to make you happy

I think I made that pretty obvious, he still doesn’t understand. Hmm.

That’s what I meant by I don’t know if I’ll make it to friday. I meant me. Not us.
Any more obvious?

Why a wreck and don’t know if you’ll make it to Friday?
I guess not!

I just can’t cope this week. Finish me if you want, it’ll make your life easier
I can give that ultimatum too ;)

No, I’m not finishing with you. It’s too late now I’m completely in love with you, but I don’t understand what’s going on, or how to help you in any way. I want to be a support and happy bit of your life but feel like I’m the opposite. It’s hard finding out why you’re feeling so down. I’ve tried to be here for you but you don’t seem yourself, and aren’t exactly the most open communicator of your feelings

Hmmm, nothing to do with every time I try and say something he shoots me down then? No, that wouldn’t be it.

We’ve agreed we’ll talk about it at the weekend. So if you drive your car tomorrow, I won’t end up on your bonnet just yet.

Trust

Everything is based on trust. If you trusted no one, you would be very iscolated. I trust everyone. I am far too trusting at times. But as soon as you break that trust, it’s gone. It will take a long long time to get it anywhere as near as it was before.

So I trust Mr Married Man 100%. And you. Yes, you too. Not you though. I trust my friends as well, I love them all to pieces. Something like this helps you tell them apart, from the ones who will give me advice when I need it and be discrete, to the ones who shout out to everyone in the pub ‘She’s shagging a married man!’ several times.

Of course I have my doubts at times about Mr Married Man. Little insecurities that nag away at me, little thoughts I should’t have. Doesn’t everyone? I can ignore them though.

But this lack of self control on Monday got to me. He lied to me. He said he would pull out, but when it came to it (excuse the pun!), he didn’t.

Aww, you’re shaking! Come back to bed baby
*gets in bed*
Are you cold?
I’m not shaking because I’m cold
Why are you shaking then?.. Oi… Why are you shaking?… Talk to me… What are you thinking?
I’m thinking breathe in, breathe out
What? What are you thinking really?
I’m thinking about breathing!

If I panic, I start shaking. If I start shaking, I forget to breathe. It sounds ridiculous I know. How can someone forget to breathe, right? I have to focus on my breathing to stop shaking and calm down. What panicked me more was that I started shaking in the first place. I never wanted that to happen ever again.

This started with my ex. (Ghosts Of Christmas Past)
It was the emotional things I couldn’t hack. I’ve put up with a lot of rubbish from my family, but from someone who was meant to love me, I couldn’t handle it. That’s when the shaking began.
It stopped when I moved away.

I was mad with myself for shaking. I didn’t want to shake. I couldn’t hide it. I also didn’t want to be in this position again. Back to The Morning After The Afternoon Before. That was last week, last year. I didn’t want to go back there. He offered to get me it. I knew he didn’t want to though. I declined.

I Can’t Cry

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Do you ever get to the point where you’re so mad, angry, confused, stressed and frustrated that you can’t express it? I want to scream, cry and hit things. I feel like an empty shell, sat in silence unable to speak, and unable to work out what on earth I’m thinking.

I want to be able to cry my heart out, but my heart doesn’t know what it wants anymore, so I can’t.

As I just wrote that, I mentioned to Mr Married Man that I don’t think he’ll get a divorce (that’s what you’ve all been telling me, right?), he replied I will, I’d hate this long term – I couldn’t not i continued, I don’t think you’ll ever dare bring it up with her. SInce I’ve answered it once I won’t again, you can think that, and if you do, you should end it between us

So I sat, still an empty shell. I could end it right now, escape this crazy love and find someone else.

I just couldn’t do it though.

A tear rolled down my cheek, at the thought of leaving him. That was my heart fighting through and telling me to stay. My heart think’s he’s worth it, so we will have to see.